Inflicted weekly at http://www.scn.org/news/newspeak/

Written By Wayne Grytting

Alabama's Plan to Cut Taxes

While Mississippi and some 20 states plunge ahead with law suits against the tobacco industry, Alabama has chosen to pursue a more prudent course. This decision came, according to the Opelika-Auburn News, after the Alabama attorney general discovered that "smoking-related health costs are not excessive because smokers die young." This path breaking conclusion was the result of an entire 89 page report (with footnotes, I'm told) by Attorney General Bill Pryor. The Opelika-Auburn News says that "Among its conclusions, the report says there are studies that show taxpayers actually save money in costs for nursing homes, insurance, pensions, and Social Security benefits because smokers die earlier than non-smokers." So forget the horror of dying young. If a state government is concerned about costs to the taxpayers, it's their public duty to promote smoking. Alabama hasn't taken that step yet, but keep on the lookout for billboards declaring "Help Balance the Budget -- Light Up." (O-AN 3/12)

Welfare Slashing Made Simple

The Republicans have published a 17 page guide on how to put a "positive spin" on their new welfare laws. The guide for GOP congressional types explains to them in "layman's terms" how to hold "Oprah style" town meetings to push success stories about people getting off welfare. For no extra money, politicians can also learn how to pose at press events with a "disabled child who will continue to receive benefits." The architect of the brilliant "Member's Guide to Explaining the New Welfare Law to Constituents" is Rep. E. Clay Shaw (R-Fl). With over 135,000 disabled children slated to lose benefits, Rep. Shaw is concerned about the "doomsday people" in the press who have been giving the reforms a negative spin. He notes that the scare stories about people losing benefits are "discouraging to people trying to get off welfare." Whether that is as discouraging as the lack of jobs paying above poverty wages, he didn't say. (WP 3/14)

The Growth Market in Chain Gangs

What the New York Times describes as the " latest device in the booming corrections industry" is making possible a return to the old fashioned chain gang. The device is the stun belt. Remote controlled stun belts can "leave convicts writhing in the dirt if they try to flee." Not only can it mean great fun for bored prison guards, it also means tremendous savings for prisons and a better ability to work prisoners in the great outdoors. Already 1,100 have been sold to U.S. Marshals for transporting prisoners and to prison officials who appreciate the value of adding public humiliation to the list of punishments for inmates. Taking the lead in the electronic chain gang field is the Centreville prison in Maryland, which has prisoners out cleaning debris from roadsides wearing their stun belts. Says the local County Commissioner, Michael Zimmer, using stun belts or chains "sends a good message to children." Let's just hope they receive the proper message. On the bright side, none of the stun belts has yet been sold to a school district. (NYT 3/11)

Sponsored Conversations

The British have beaten us to a new advertising frontier. One hundred Cabbies in London are now being paid by an advertising firm called Impact FCA to insert plugs for Siemens, a German phone company, into their regular banter. The cabbies will be paid an undisclosed sum to inject three main selling points for the Siemens mobile phone into their conversation. "They must mention German technology, a small but powerful battery, and the ability to upgrade the telephone for more services," reports the London Times, without alerting passengers to the fact they are being pitched. If successful, look for bartenders and waitresses next and then who knows? Why waste hours on conversations without putting them to commercial use? This could even put our homeless to work. "Spare change? And have you tried the new Remington razor?" (LT 3/13)

More NEWSPEAK can now be found in Z Magazine. There's also a mailing list at wgrytt@blarg.net.