There are hundreds--on bad days, it seems like thousands--of really awful bills being introduced and passed in the Washington State legislature in Olympia this session. Even for people who follow such things closely, it seems impossible to keep track of all of them.

Or is it? Heck, there are 120 or so pro sports teams in the four major men's sports, and many nine-year-old boys can name most or all of them and how they're doing. Why aren't grown adults as interested in tracking possible laws that can affect (usually for the worse) our daily lives?

The answer is obvious. We've been doing the presentation all wrong. To make it all easier, here's a recap--team by team-- of how our legislative athletes are faring this Olympia season. (With, of course, some color analysis--mostly green.)

As a special bonus in this April 1 ETS!, we'll give away a free one year mail subscription to you or the recipient of your choice to the first person who reads closely enough to correctly identifies the bill described herein that is actually fictitious. (Yes, there's only one...)

Oly Standings

(A=Bill still alive; D=probably dead; U=uncertain prospects)

A D U Insurance Industry Uber Alles 5 0 0 Stealing Water 9 2 0 Gutting Social Services 4 1 0 Expanding Death Penalty 4 2 0 Attacking Youth Rights 3 2 0 All Glory To The Police State 3 3 0 Gay-Bashing 1 2 1 Anti-Choice 1 2 1 Who Needs The Planet? 3 6 0 Redefining Democracy 1 5 0 Welfare For Multi-Billionaires 0 2 0

Tomorrow's Games:

Insurance Industry Uber Alles vs. The Sick & Infirm Who Needs The Planet? vs. Future Generations Gutting Social Services vs. Common Decency Welfare For Multi-Billionaires vs. Your Pocketbook

It's still early in the legislative season, and standings could change radically in the weeks ahead. Bills that appear dead now because they didn't make it out of committee before the late March deadline could return, especially where matching (companion) bills in the opposite house passed. And it's far too soon to predict how these teams will fare in the playoffs, where the opposition--a rookie Democratic governor hampered by his salary needs and repeated backbone surgery--may or may not be able to respond adequately to these teams' powerful attacks:

Insurance Industry Uber Alles: Wow, these insurance guys really come to play, and they're taking their game to the next level of avarice. So far they're the only team undefeated in their legislative attempts. Substitute House Bill (SHB) 1032, reversing last fall's electoral results by taking regulatory power away from the Insurance Commissioner, passed the House easily and is on to the Senate; ditto HB 2018 and HB 1337, which repeal most of what's left of Washington's health care reform and give insurers a variety of new ways to screw the sick and infirm. Ditto Senate Bill (SB) 5334, on to the House, and SB 5750, which would give the same freedom to raise rates to property insurers. What a team! Why, it seems like the opposition hasn't even shown up!

Stealing Water: A team that doesn't get much attention, and the coaches like it that way. These guys sure can score a lot of points in a hurry. They had an unexpected setback with the failure of HB 1116, the bill that redefined groundwater in a way that defied physics. And SB 5027 is still sitting in committee while its companion, HB 1115, clears the House and goes to Senate Ways & Means. But look at all these other triumphs: HB 1212, HB 1110 (reassigning Columbia River water), HB 1111 (grandfathering stolen water rights), HB 2050, HB 1118, HB 1272, and HB 5526. And the star player, HB 1866, a Clintonian reform of water rights regulation that lets industry develop their own win-win game plans, sailed right through the House and is now (like many of the others) being greased through the Senate Agriculture & Environment committee.

Gutting Social Services: An early season favorite, with lots of attention on two horrid welfare reform bills (HB 1079 and SB 5677) that trounced their opposition--and the compromise bill, HB 3901, that adds even more wretched provisions. How 'bout those starving children! Clearly, Olympia is no place for minor leaguers...the ominous Pre-Emption bills (HB 1043, SB 5091) invalidating local (and stronger) tenant protection laws also passed both houses. The only minor scar on an otherwise perfect season is the failure of SB 5757, which would have prevented any state agency other than law enforcement from investigating CPS (Child Protective Services) complaints.

Expanding Death Penalty: Another perennial powerhouse, this team suffered a shocking (sorry) upset when HB 1406, expanding the death penalty to children, didn't make it out of committee. Otherwise, only SB 5980, a bill that expands the list of crimes eligible for capital prosecution, hasn't passed its chamber; expansion bills SB 5348, SB 5203, and HB 1297 passed easily, as have SB 5093, which eliminates proportionality (i.e., any sense of reason) as a basis for appealing a death sentence, and HB 1896, which requires that families of death row inmates pay the state restitution for the cost of the execution.

Attacking Youth Rights: Another team that's banked its hopes for success on its ability to attack the defenseless. So far, results have been mixed; Becca III (HB 1938), another kids-are-chattel bill, is on to the Senate, as the House gets SB 5082, which requires parental notification if minors seek out mental health treatment. (1938, conversely, allows parents to commit children to psychiatric hospitals against their will and without any medical proof of need.) Though the juvenile death penalty hasn't progressed, another notification bill--for abortions--has cleared the Senate (SB 5255) and is now in the House. There it joins teammate HB 1036, still in the House waiting for a second reading.

All Glory To The Police State: Mixed success so far for this usually all-too-powerful franchise. The House, but not the Senate, passed its drivers' license fingerprinting bill (HB 1243, SB 5264); ditto HB 1072 and SB 5320, which would allow cops to intercept communications without a court order. HB 1227, mandating compulsory AIDS testing for anyone arrested for prostitution, has foundered; but the team's mascot and probable MVP, SB 5769, sailed through the Senate and moves to the House. There, the Criminal Justice and Corrections Committee will consider felony prosecutions for the vicious sociopaths who own more than ten beverage crates or pallets without proper documentation--probably with the intent of distributing them, on the black market, to our innocent and susceptible children. The horror! The horror!

Gay-Bashing: A team with a lot of heavy hitters and big swingers, though league insiders suspect the publicity it draws mostly helps aid other, more financially lucrative franchises. Of the three anti-gay-marriage bills (HB 1130, SB 5398, and SB 5400), SB 5398 passed both houses, was vetoed by Gov. Locke and failed to get enough Senate votes for an override. It's on the June ballot instead. Mercifully, SB 5167, the Homos In Schools bill, died in committee.

Anti-Choice: Another outfit whose record might look stronger by the end of the season. As noted, the Senate version of parental notification passed and is now in the House. Companion bills banning a late-term abortion procedure are in an odd limbo; SB 5441 died, but HB 1031 made it to a second reading and was then "indefinitely postponed," which may or may not mean it will return.

Who Needs The Planet?: It's been a disappointing year so far for the rape and pillage boys, who, as usual, wanted it all. Even so, there might be some big hits. HB 2244, one of two bills that would gut the Growth Management Act, made it to the Senate (HB 1649 didn't, and HB 1208, which would have abolished the GMA entirely, is also probably dead). The Loomis State Forest version of the salvage logging rider is stuck in the House Rules Committee (HB 1128). The voter- defying resurrections of Prop. 48 (Takings), HB 1837, and anti-I-655 forces (bear-baiting), SB 5594, are stranded in House Appropriations and Senate Natural Resources & Parks, respectively. HB 1701, attacking pesticide whistleblowers, also choked in the clutch. But the gag bill banning state agencies from recommending non-pesticide alternatives, HB 1602, made it to the Senate (Commerce & Labor). And, in one of the most surprising developments in a long, long, long time, HB 1624--which prohibits wetland designations unless the land can be proven to have been moist since shortly before the Big Bang--passed the House and got its first reading in the Senate last Friday.

Redefining Democracy: A team usually near the bottom of the standings; as pioneers of the "erosion" approach, management cares much more about long-term success in shutting the public out of public affairs than its results in any single year. This year is no different; two tort reform bills (SHB 1804, SB 5733) that would have gotten corporations off the hook for many types of liability didn't make it. Neither did the idiotic Restoring the Balance of Powers Act (HB 2060), tho it did somehow get out of committee, a truly terrifying thought. The utterly racist SB 5776, banning Native American tribal contributions to elections, also died. The one, ominous success, passing the Senate and now in House Agriculture & Environment, has been SB 5208--a truly ugly anti-whistleblower bill that bans anonymity and requires the state notify companies and obtain permission before starting an investigation or inspection.

Welfare for Multi-Billionaires: Paul Allen is losing-- both SB 5999 and HB 2192 are stuck in committee, with Allen facing a self-imposed April 3 deadline (60 days before he can get a passed measure on a June ballot). But with enough money to buy lots of high-priced free agents (i.e., legislators) late in the season, a strong playoff run is still quite possible. This game is a long way from being over!

That's about all the time we have for sports in this report. We'll have to wait til another time to cover the tax cuts that benefit mostly the wealthy in what's already one of the nation's most regressive tax systems, and a budget that ignores the skyrocketing need for infrastructure repair and social services--and claims to champion education while slashing public school funding (and funding voter-rejected charter schools instead).

And now your five-day long range Accu-PinPointScan Meteorological Doppler Radar Legislative Weather forecast: dark and stormy for the foreseeable future, with periods of severe floods of bills swept along by high pressure money systems, greed, and gusts of ignorance and intolerance.

For up-to-date information on coming storms, or to help force a change in the forecast, call the state legislative hotline in Olympia: 1-800-562-6000. The switchboard there can give you info on bills, connect you to a legislator's office for comment. Use it often! Info is also available through the state legislative web site.

In this issue...