They're already planning for this fall's mayoral and council races. Record amounts of money are going to be spent to convince you, the rightly skeptical voter, that you and everyone you know should vote for candidate.

It doesn't matter what office, or who candidate X is. It also doesn't matter whether the person actually exists in real life. We're talking image here! Product! Legislative content provider! Corporate welfare channeller! Containing ten percent genuine imitation candidate- flavored spread!

So, as a public service, we thought we'd save the campaigns many thousands of dollars in consultant fees, focus groups, test screenings, psychographic voter profiles, and hangover remedies, by providing you, almost free of charge, the only TV ad you'll need for your candidate. It's warm, it's friendly, it's memorable, it establishes image. It's your gal. Or guy. You'll be billed later.

(Note: the following treatment is closed-captioned [] for the politically aware.)

(Establishing shot, middle distance; X walking toward camera through crowd of adoring well-wishers. X smiling, shaking hands, talking casually but inaudibly.)

Voiceover: "Throughout her/his years of public service, X has represented all of us with only one thing on her/his mind."

[X has spent twenty-three years sucking up to major donors. S/he sleeps with puckered lips.]

"Freedom, opportunity, fairness, prosperity, and an unyielding commitment to work for us and do the right thing..."

[X is so ambitious that if s/he doesn't win this election her/his head will explode.]

(Cut to successive shots of X walking across a factory floor, jacket casually tossed over *left* shoulder, talking amiably with workers; standing on sidewalk in front of espresso stand with crowd of people, gesturing; standing on waterfront with seagulls hovering in background.)

"...from X's battles to stop wasteful government spending to her/his successful fight to bring new defense jobs to our city, from her/his proud defense of America's values to sponsorship of legislation that guarantees economic opportunity for all, folks around here have always known that you can count on X."

[X is a corporate-funded parasite on the body politic. "Around here" could be Seattle, Syracuse, or San Salvador so far as her/his major supporters are concerned.]

(Switch to close-up outdoor shot of X, hair wisping in a light breeze.)

"Hi. I'm X. This is my loving wife/husband (NOTE: MUST BE OPPOSITE GENDER), Y..." (Camera pulls back slightly to reveal Y, conservatively but fashionably dressed, gazing at product adoringly) "and our three children, XX, XY, and XXY."

["Geez, I hope this family isn't as expensive as the one I had last election."]

(A young boy, young girl, and toddler of indeterminate sex enter casually, from off-camera right, running up to their stepmother/father candidate. S/he embraces them all at once, then straightens again to look earnestly at camera. Building in background appears to be a church.)

"I know how important children are to our future..."

["I had to rent the kids specifically for the campaign after being refused visiting rights by a former spouse."]

"That's why I need your vote on Election Day."

["This democracy thing is an irritating pain in the ass. I wish we could just collect the money, pass the legislation, and dispense with the stupid campaign. And I've been sniffling for weeks because of this walking, gurgling little disease vector we take along for photo ops. Thank God my doctor knows how important powerful psychotropic cold remedies are for my career. Hey, is that Taj Mahal over there?"]

(X and family look away from camera, soft angle right, as though at a wondrous and unexpected sight. X's surprise and delight is completely spontaneous.)

Voiceover: "Your choice is clear. Don't take chances on candidate Z."

["Isn't this whole charade disgusting? Stay home. Let us buy the election."]

(Ominous music transitions from previous visual. Cut to quick, half-second images of candidate Z: in Nazi uniform, holding an assault weapon in a fast food restaurant, kicking a dog, and speaking from a podium while appearing to have an orange complexion, horns, and a long pointy tail.)

"Vote for X. For us. For our city. For our future."

[Vomit now.]

New, Rapid Voice: "Paid for by Ordinary Citizens Just Like You Who Want To Elect X More Than Anything Else In Their Whole Lives. Eileen Schmoe, Treasurer."

["Paid for with the maximum donations allowed under federal law by every managerial employee of the three largest corporate employers in the city, along with 263 leading transnationals hoping for future tax breaks, monopoly concessions, and tax write-offs. A small army of accountants and lawyers is working in 16-hour shifts to ensure that our financial structure makes direct bribery untraceable. Ralph Schmoe, Treasurer."]