AMERICAN NEWSPEAK is inflicted weekly at http://www.scn.org/news/newspeak/ Celebrating cutting edge advances in the exciting field of Doublespeak! Written by Wayne Grytting

Doctors Find Their True Calling

This past year, many doctors have seen their earnings plummet. They've watched HMOs turn them into mere "health care providers" whose services are to be sold at the lowest price possible. Doctors like Glenn Meyers of Florida, who has watched his income drop from $400,000 to a lowly $300,000, say HMOs are "imperiling the lifestyle they expected." But Dr. Meyers, like many others in the medical community, found an answer. He turned to Amway! Now when he meets a patient stressed out from financial concerns, he can take them aside and offer a real cure selling everything from soap powders to appliances. He even offers his colleagues this patented "hedge against managed care." More doctors are heeding the Amway call despite the unfortunate fact, reported by Dr. Don Berkowitz, that "a lot of doctors are scared that it reduces their status." But sometimes you just have to be a nonconformist. (WSJ 6/18)

Willy Lohman Meets Automation

The Internet is finally developing a way to make advertising work on the Web--search engines that deliver customized ads. At Excite, a search for a word like "car" will lead to the delivery of a banner ad for Acura. Not only can sites trigger ads to preprogrammed words, but they are developing the capabilities to track people as they surf the Web to determine which ads should be delivered to them. Even more exciting is a development by a company called BlackSun--automated spokesmen. BlackSun has developed the software for 3-D chat rooms in which visual cartoon-like characters interact. Into this arena they send ad robots for participating companies, designed to appear when specific words are used by chat room participants. It's "immersive advertising." Just drop the word "clean" into your discussion and ad robot Dusty the Dustbuster will invite you for a private chat about his favorite vacuum cleaner. Not only can you program the robot's dialogue, but says BlackSun, "you can program a robot's humanness." I hope Data on Star Trek heard that. (Knight-Ridder 5/28, WSJ 4/24)

From the Tabloid Dept.

A Texas cattle rancher is suing Oprah Winfrey for publicly saying she won't eat hamburgers. In a show airing the facts on Mad Cow disease, Oprah concluded that "It has just stopped me from eating another hamburger." The next day, cattle prices plummeted and cattleman Paul Engler estimates he lost $6.7 million dollars. So he sued (this is America). Now many of you must be thinking the First Amendment must protect anyone who wants to say they won't eat a Big Mac? Wrong. Obviously you haven't read a copy of the False Disparagement of Perishable Food Products Act. This finely crafted piece of legislation, now passed by 13 states, allows any critic of our food industry to be held liable if their statements are not based on "reliable scientific inquiry, facts or data." To be counted as reliable, the facts or data must have been published in a peer reviewed professional journal. Anyone without the right footnotes is open to being sued. Noting how attitudes have changed about the Constitution, Michael Engler, son to the plaintiff, observed that "Maybe the First Amendment isn't carved in stone." And that's our reassuring thought for the day. (WSJ 6/3)

Madison Avenue Invades the Newsroom

CNN correspondent Jonathan Karl will be appearing in an ad for Visa. This wonderful example of cooperation between reporters and advertisers has raised concerns about the blurring of a "line" that the NY Times says separates editorial and advertising content. Karl will be appearing as part of a series on up and coming Generation X'ers. Viewers will get to peer into the wallets of these rising stars and view their actual credit card purchases! In doing so, Karl will be following in the footsteps of reporters Lou Dobbs, Lesley Visser, Keith Jackson and Chris Berman who've all lent their images to advertisers. Steve Haworth, a spokesman for CNN, states that Karl "did nothing wrong" because he had permission from senior executives. (It's good to see that the tradition of the Nuremberg defense-- "I was just following orders"--lives on.) And be sure to catch CNN's news anchors and logos appearing in the latest "Jurassic Park" movie. (NYT 6/13)

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