In an op-ed piece distributed nationally last week by the Scripps-Howard News Service (carried by hundreds of daily papers in the U.S.), aerospace engineer and Florida businessman Henry E. Payne advocates--apparently quite seriously--a promising new idea for saving populated areas from the ravages of hurricanes: deflect them with thermonuclear weapons.

Because hurricanes "originate in the ocean far away from all people," (not to mention fish, whales, sharks, squid, the oceanic foodchain, migratory birds, and various fishermen), Payne suggests we utilize "clean" fusion weapons on the ocean floor to break up the base of hurricane vortices.

The National Hurricane Service estimates that "the average number of tropical cyclones in the North Atlantic area is about eight per year, of which about five ususally are intense enough to be classified as hurricanes." Payne says that we need to defend ourselves against this "manageable" threat to our civilian population, especially since insurance companies are beginning to withdraw coverage for storm damage in many areas of the United States, especially Florida, where Payne lives.

Radioactive fallout from these first strikes would also be quite manageable, according to Payne. "Thermonuclear, i.e. fusion energy blasts, can leave much less radioactive fall-out than the old atomic bomb fission energy blasts." He goes on to cite tests done in the '50s and '60s to measure fallout from atmospheric nuclear tests. He ignores the medical tests--the results of which were released only a few weeks ago--on people living up to 1,500 miles downwind of these blasts. Long-term health effects included increases in cancer and immune disorders. Hurricanes, with their tendency to damage beachfront condos, are apparently a bigger problem. Since hurricanes exist in a vacuum completely separate from, say, global warming, ozone depletion, or other weather phenomenon, there is no mention of where, exactly, all that "dissipated energy" will go.

The article, of course, is quite disturbing. Mainstream media, in proposing this sort of solution for one of the planet's many ominous weather trends, has obviously abdicated its responsibility. After all, if thermonuclear devices can be used for weather modification, they can be used for many of the other ills of modern living. Where are these proposals?

Just to get a start on the nearly limitless possibilities, here's ETS!'s suggestion for twelve easy, quick ways to give Hanford a reason to exist AND promote better living through thermonuclear devices right now!

12. SeaFair needs more noise and louder explosions. Those Blue Angels are real wusses. Get a couple of detonations and mushroom clouds going. That ought to stop traffic on I-90, the 520 bridge, I-5, and 405! And if the spectacle doesn't stop 'em, the electromagnetic pulse will!
11. The University District Chamber of Commerce could purchase a couple of thermonuclear-powered leaf blowers to clear the annoying street youth from sidewalks and make the area more conducive to commerce.
10. Why irradiate food when you can irradiate the land used to grow it? That'll protect our produce from micro-organisms. And imagine those awe- inspiring, glowing fields of microwave popcorn! "Kansas: Land of Majestic Sunsets."
9. Dental hygiene.
8. Use one to destroy the Kingdome. Save millions now! (Why wait for the Mariners to leave?)
7. Impress chicks.
6. Removes stains thousands of times faster than ordinary detergent. Gets clothes, buildings, and everything within miles of the epicenter whiter than white!
5. Skateboarding with a difference.
4. Provide energy so cheap and plentiful it won't even have to be mete-- whoops, never mind.
3. Washington voters took vital weaponry last fall out of the hands of our state's bear and big cat hunters. It's time to give some meaningful weapons back.
2. REAL clearcutting. No underbrush, no second growth.
1. Seattle can't build those annoying little traffic circles in the middle of intersections fast enough. Miles-wide craters would do a much better job of slowing down traffic. And landscaping would be a cinch.