AMERICAN NEWSPEAK. Inflicted weekly at http://www.scn.org/newspeak Celebrating cutting edge advances in the exciting field of Doublespeak!

The Ghost of Kissinger Past

The United States found itself virtually alone at the recent international conference in Oslo to ban land mines. The mines that, once laid, just keep on ticking like Timex watches, killing thousands of people every year, were denounced by over a hundred nations. Fortunately, the Clinton Administration was able to find a compromise they say could "pave the way to a treaty they could sign." The compromise had a few minor flaws displaying Catch-22 quality. First, our proposal would ban anti-personnel mines except for one purpose, that of protecting anti-tank mines (which are not covered by the treaty). Seems only fair that legal land mines should be protected. Then in the very fine print comes a proposal to allow nations the right to withdraw from the treaty during times of war. So land mines would be banned when we don't need them and allowed only when we do. A perfect demonstration of the meaning of the word "compromise." (NYT 9/16)

The Return of Ben Hur

Actor Charleton Heston has been putting his keen analytical skills to work for the National Rifle Association. The result--a breathtaking discovery that in our Bill of Rights, the right to bear arms is "the first among equals." The second amendment earns this promotion because, says Heston, "it's the one right that allows rights to exist at all." The discovery that freedom of speech rests not upon respect for law but is possible only because every wacko in Idaho has a loaded gun reportedly had many right-wing pastors handing out copies of Chairman Mao's Quotations. (You will, of course, remember his "Power grows out of the barrel of a gun.") Meanwhile, Heston has a new spin to put on the attacks made on Saturday night specials, plastic guns, and cop-killer bullets. These are, it turns out, examples of "nit-picking." Just "nit-picking little wars of attrition," says Heston, just "made-for-prime-time non-issues invented by some press agent..." (NYT 9/12)

Recruiting Travel Agents

The corporate clients of many travel agencies will be able to realize great savings thanks to the discovery of a valuable new source of cheap labor. Travel Wholesalers International will be booking trips for other travel agencies using a dozen female inmates from Leath Correctional Institution in South Carolina. Co-owner Daniel P. Bohan has discovered that our prisons are not only "filled with a lot of smart people," but "Better yet, prison labor is cheap." How cheap? Try 50 cents an hour for starting salaries. And, says Mr. Bohan, "you don't even have to pay them benefits." Fortunately, our Mr. Bohan was wearing a drool protector when he said this. Trans World Airlines was so inspired by this prisoner rehabilitation project, it went one step further. TWA opened an airline reservation center inside a youth detention center in Ventura, California. (WSJ 9/16)

Empowering Our Schools

Channel One, the news program that brings advertising to over 8 million students in school, has found a way to be more participatory. No longer will students, teachers and administrators be mere passive observers of the show. Channel One is enlisting teachers and principals to help in marketing campaigns. Teachers, for example, are being engaged to help students write commercials for Snapple and design art for Pepsi vending machines. Principals are being sent coupons for Subway sandwiches that they can hand out to students. Says Channel One sales director Martin Grant, participating in these ad campaigns is a way for teachers "to make the lesson relevant." Answering actual criticism of turning teachers into marketing partners, CEO David Tanzer says they are "sensitive about turning schools into merchandisers, but it only runs promotional campaigns that benefit advertisers and students alike." But Mr. Tanzer, aren't all ad campaigns of benefit to students?? (WSJ 9/15)