Inflicted weekly at http://www.scn.org/newspeak Celebrating cutting edge advances in the exciting field of Doublespeak! Written by Wayne Grytting

Of Human Bondage

Congress finally passed legislation banning the importation of goods made by children in bondage. The bill, sponsored by Rep. Bernie Sanders, managed to pass in spite of the compassionate concerns of House Republicans that, in the N.Y. Times' words, "it might be expensive for Customs to enforce it." U.S. purchases of rugs and soccer balls help maintain much of the estimated 15 million indentured children in Asia, so it was good news that in 1997, we can finally afford to curtail our trade. Surprisingly, there has been a law on the books since 1930 banning the importing of goods made by indentured or convict labor "under penal sanctions." But Customs officials, in one of their more memorable feats of bureaucratic hairsplitting, ruled the law did not apply to children because they did not work "under penal sanctions" as the law required. So for 67 years we have been abetting the enslavement of millions of children because of this strict interpretation of the law. It's too bad so many children lacked the foresight to have been convicted of a crime before they became indentured workers. (NYT 10/1)

New Ways to Raise Productivity

Managers at Kentucky Fried Chicken have discovered a new way to motivate employees, according to administrative law judge Charles Schaefer. But, as with many innovations, workers sometimes fail to appreciate all that is being done for them. In Wisconsin, KFC employee June Lauer thought her boss was just talking dirty. He called women "bitches," suggested tattooing Colonel Sanders' face on women's breasts and made fairly indiscreet references to sexual organs and oral sex. Tired of the assaults on her sensibilities, Ms. Lauer quit and later filed a lawsuit. That's when Judge Schaefer entered the picture to lay down a fundamental principle of American business. He sided with the manager because, "Use of vulgar and obscene language and terms can serve to promote group solidarity." Those of you still slapping your forehead saying "Why didn't I think of that," may want to stop to hear the judge's final shot. "To the extent that it was intended to promote this end," he says, "it would have been an effort to achieve a legitimate business goal." There may be new life for racial slurs after all. (Nando.net 9/25)

Big Brotherphobia

Are you fearful of the government's use of electronic surveillance? Do you have nightmares with seedy looking FBI agents sitting up late monitoring your e-mail? Well, you may be harboring "extremist" and even "elitist" views! So warns the FBI's Alan McDonald about critics of the government's electronic surveillance who are at this very moment threatening the nation's security by making normal law enforcement more difficult. Undoubtedly, you are wondering whether this unreasoning paranoia can be overcome? "Yes," says McDonald. It's so simple. "When people don't know much about electronic surveillance," he says, "they are fearful of it. But when they know Congress passed laws and the Supreme Court reviewed them and that there are numerous constraints and procedures, then it makes sense to them. It seems rational and balanced." Just the knowledge that Congress was involved certainly removed all my fears. (TechWire 9/25)

The Professional Hairsplitting Dept.

Attorney General Janet Reno came to the defense of the White House's fundraising efforts in a long letter to Rep. Henry Hyde, chair of the House Judiciary Committee. In it she makes fine distinctions that many mere mortals have missed in their outrage at the sale of political access. Her key point is that selling access to high officials is unlike other forms of graft. "The courts," she argues, "have held that such access in exchange for political contributions is not an `official act' that can provide the basis for a bribery or extortion conviction." To be an "official act," you must be providing a "federally funded benefit" which mere access clearly is not. Reno finds little wrong with the desire to gain access to officials, which she sees as just part of Bill Gates' and my right to petition the government. Then comes the clinker. "The Government," she says, "points to no legislative duty to provide equal access to all members of the public." Therefore, I presume, it's time to sell, sell, sell. (NYT 10/4)

Special thanks to Michael P this week. Newspeak has a mailing list but please don't try to subscribe via wgrytt@blarg.net 'cause I'm behind enough as it is.