Hoarded at http://www.scn.org/newspeak Celebrating cutting edge advances in the Doublethink of the 90's Written by Wayne Grytting

Smokey the Bear's New Friends

Last year the timber industry failed to get Congress to pass a salvage logging bill that would have let them thin out trees they judged to be dead or dying from our national forests. Supporters claimed it was needed to help control forest fires, while detractors pointed to Weyerhauser's need for windfall profits. Now they've returned with a new and improved bill introduced by Rep. Bob Smith (R-OR). The key difference? On top of tolerating a few more environmental controls, the words "salvage logging" have been removed. This is a big improvement for, as Rep. Smith notes, "Salvage has become a name we probably can't use anymore. It's one of those words that creates a lot of animosity." So Rep. Smith and his friends have found happier words to use and the salvage logging bill has become the "Forest Recovery and Restoration Act." Much more positive. This new name, says Rep Smith, "reflects new sensitivity to the environmental effect as well as the politics of the matter." Congratulations to the timber industry on their new "sensitivity." (AP 9/28)

The Honor Among Thieves Dept.

Major corporations have found a new way to avoid costly trials and convictions for breaking the law. The Wall Street Journal reports that "Corporations under government investigation are increasingly turning on their employees to win leniency for themselves." This has proven to be a win-win solution (except for the employees left holding the bag), thanks to the 1991 U.S. Sentencing Guidelines, which grant leniency to companies who apply "adequate discipline" to their employees. For example, when Darling International was accused of illegally dumping blood in the Blue Earth River in Minnesota, instead of stonewalling, Darling immediately found four employees to blame, and even provided incriminating evidence to the government. Federal prosecutors such as Craig Benedict like this because "you get a lot more justice a lot more quickly." One reason is that corporations can force employees to answer questions or lose their jobs, an incentive the government currently lacks. See what benefits cooperation can bring? (WSJ 10/9)

The Cutting Edge in Comics

A magazine for young men called "Details" has found a unique way to involve their commercial sponsors. In their October issue, Details features a 24-page comic section that "weaves sponsors into the plot line of an edgy comic section," according to Advertising Age. Not only will readers get to see their favorite ads from Mastercard, L'Oreal, Panasonic and Sony, but they will get to see their products used by cartoon characters just like actors do in the movies. The comic book plot revolves around the adventures of a young in-line skater as he pursues the woman of his dreams while wearing his Lee jeans and splashing on some Hugo eau de toilette for good measure. Advertising Age describes the exercise in erasing the boundaries between ads and magazine content as "breaking new ground." Details publisher Linda Mason goes a step further. She describes their ad/cartoon format as "synergistic." I always love it when publishers learn big words. (AA 10/6)

The Syllogism of the Month

While the Clinton Administration was bringing the "But everyone's doing it, Mom" defense to new heights in the fundraising scandal, AT&T was doing an even finer job. Out in California, an organization called Californians for Telecommunications Choice has been attacking Pacific Bell for its monopolistic ways. Due to an oversight, I'm sure, CTC forgot to tell anyone that it had large funding from AT&T for its campaign to get state legislators to open up the phone market to more competition, something AT&T has always supported (ahem). But AT&T spokeswoman Alice Nagle was ready with a stout defense of her company's practice. "All big corporations," she said, "are involved with coalitions, so it's a normal, ethical business decision to align" with CTC. I hope everyone caught this new meaning for the word "ethical" as the residue of what all big corporations do. You might want to pencil it into your Webster's. (S.F.Chron. 9/16)

Special thanks this week to Eddie Tews and Ryan Dougherty. This edition was actually proofread thanks to Jane Hatfield. The author can be reached, e-mail subscriptions had via wgrytt@blarg.net.