ETS! encourages comments, feedback, tips, corrections, and info! Please keep them as concise as possible so we can print as many different voices as possible: ETS!, P.O. Box 85541, Seattle WA 98145, or e-mail ets@scn.org.

Weyerhaueser's Old Friend

Dear ETS!,

I hope I'm not sticking my big foot in my mouth but in response to "Smokey the Bear's New Friends" in Vol. 2, No. 7, I just had to write and clarify/correct what was written. The Salvage Logging Bill was passed in '95 except it was called the Salvage Logging Rider (pushed thru by Sen. Slade Gorton), and it was attached to a bill that gave relief to the Oklahoma bombing victims. It did extensive damage to Washington's forests (over 20,000 acres were lost, mainly of old and ancient forest). Now I know they weren't referring to '95 but I thought it would have been more informational to have added that extreme destruction was happening already because of "salvage" logging in '96. I must say, Slade the Blade sure earned his $70,000 worth of pocket change he's been given from his "friends," the timber fucking barons.

In all respect I really appreciate the info I did get from your article(s) and I'm lovin' your newspaper!

--Miriam Karpor, Seattle

Ed. note: The item in question, in American Newspeak, referred to two Congressional bills since the Salvage Logging Rider--one that failed to pass in 1996, and another that has now been introduced, that would further deplete publicly owned forests.

But They Buy Lots Of Planes!

ETS!,

This should be of interest to your readers:

Ngawang Choephel, a Tibetan-born student from a small college in Middlebury, Vermont, while on a Fulbright Scholarship to do ethno- musicological studies in Tibet, was arrest in September 1995 and sentenced to 18 years imprisonment.

This ought to be of concern to musicians, ethno-musicologists, and university departments everywhere. More information is on the Internet.

Could one possibly get the U.W. ethnomusicology and anthropology departments to act on this--have your paper or your readers any contacts there? The U.W. is slow on these things because they like their China contacts, dinosaur digging, etc., just like Boeing does.

The Chinese are (as in this case) suppressing the real Tibetan culture, while keeping certain monasteries refurbished and shiny and open for the tourists as a sort of Buddhist Disneyland. Come to think of it, very like what the U.S. tries to do with Native American culture.

--Barbara Tomlinson, Seattle

Internet Humor

ETS!,

These are real answering machine messages...

WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and (BEEP)

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi. You've reached the answering machine for the cell phone in my car. I'm home now, but if you leave a message I'll call you when I go out.

--via Thalia Syracopoulos, Seatttle