Memo to the President of the United States. From: Southeast Asia Policy Advisors Subject: Opening another new market for U.S. business

Dear Mr. President:

We are delighted with the recent visit of Chinese President Jiang Zemin to the United States. In all of the excitement, however, it's easy for us to forget about plans for the upcoming visit of another Asian dignitary: Cambodia's Pol Pot. The following is our suggested itinerary for the venerable statesman's first official visit to the U.S. As you will note, many of these activities are similar--indeed, identical--to the activities organized for President Jiang. We feel that Pol Pot deserves equal attention, since he has been our primary CIA contact in the region for over 17 years and performed invaluable services by destabilizing the Cambodian government. He has also established and overseen a regional black market trade in weapons, drugs, and precious minerals, from which many CIA employees, our "off-the-books operations," and our mercenary allies have profited handsomely.

Proposed Agenda

Day One: Welcome to Paradise.

Pol Pot flies to Honolulu. Traditional Luau follows, with singing of Don Ho songs. The venerable statesman will perform a hula dance. Photo ops.

Day Two: Trade Roulette.

During a morning stopover in the Las Vegas airport, where Pol Pot will play nickel slots (more photo ops), he may announce a purchase of Boeing commercial jetliners. In the afternoon, he will fly into Washington, D.C., where he will be welcomed to a state dinner with executives from ARCO, AT&T, Disney, Boeing, General Electric, General Motors, Apple Computer, IBM, Kodak, Mobil Oil, Motorola, Pepsico, Procter & Gamble, Time Warner, Viacom, Westinghouse, Xerox, and selected members of the press. Lots of photo ops.

Day Three: Down to Business.

Breakfast with the President (no Democratic Party donations are to be discussed at this time!), with a morning "summit" to follow. Possible topics to be discussed include: Pol Pot to sign nuclear non-proliferation treaty, discussions regarding Pol Pot's future purchase of U.S. nuclear reactor technology and surplus U.S. Army land mines, the elimination of all Cambodian trade barriers, the relocation of U.S. factory facilities to Khmer Rouge strongholds in northwestern Cambodia, cooperation in the war on drugs, and a vague discussion of human rights issues.

A break at noon to address Congress, where Pol Pot will speak out for the rights of the unborn, and the impact of abortion on the availability of cheap labor for the global economy.

Afternoon session to focus on scheduling frequent strategic meetings between the President and Pol Pot, and establishing a direct and secure telecommunications ~hot line' between them. Note: the venerable statesman has also requested that we walk him through the Microsoft Windows tutorial, as he has had some problems with the software in the past (possible photo op with Bill Gates?).

State dinner in the evening, where Pol Pot will meet with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the Israeli Ambassador to discuss kill ratios and the management of displaced populations. Also invite Washington State Gov. Gary Locke and his wife, Mona Lee. Lots more photo ops.

Day Four: Let Freedom Ring.

The venerable statesman will ring the bell to begin trading on the New York Stock Exchange, while standing next to a trademark pile of skulls. He will then visit IBM's Madison Avenue offices to show off his newly-acquired Windows skills. Lunch will follow at the Waldorf Hotel with bigwigs from Bristol-Myers Squibb, Fedex, Ford, Philip Morris, AT&T, Lucent Technologies, etc., etc.

In the afternoon, Pol Pot will make a brief stopover in Philadelphia to view the Liberty Bell and quote from his favorite American philosopher, Patrick Henry: "Give me liberty, or give me death ... preferably death." (Note: we need to check the accuracy of this quote.)

Day Five: Sex and the American Way.

Pol Pot will visit Los Angeles to tour Paramount Studios and make a cameo appearance in the next Batman movie. Photo op with Kim Basinger or Nicole Kidman. In the afternoon, the venerable statesman will speak to a group of students at UCLA and may admit that he made some mistakes while ruling Cambodia from 1976-79, but that his methods have been stronger and more sophisticated since then.

Evening tour of Rodeo Drive, with lots of side trips for shopping and more photo ops.

Day Six: Til We Meet Again.

During a brief stopover in Seattle, Pol Pot will admire the third runway hastily paved for his arrival. He will add his name to a growing list of international heads of state who endorse Paul Schell for Mayor of Seattle. While dodging protesters at the airport, Pol Pot will don a cowboy hat and give his final press conference before he leaves for home. Boeing President Phil Condit will escort him to his plane and hint about $140 billion in new airplane orders to be arriving over the next 20 years.

Please advise us as soon as possible if you foresee any changes in the above schedule, and which of us will be giving the Windows tutorial (none of can make the damn thing work!). Is there money in the budget for training classes--or did you axe it with the line-item veto?

--Maria Tomchick and Geov Parrish