Hoarded at http://www.scn.org/newspeak Celebrating cutting edge advances in the Doublethink of the 90's Written by Wayne Grytting

The New Spin on Trees

Last year the timber industry discovered it couldn't sell "salvage logging" on federal lands to Congress. So what to call it? Representatives Helen Chenoweth and Bob Schaeffer, both from Colorado, finally found an answer. Its name is the "Community Protection and Hazardous Fuels Reduction Act," aimed at eliminating the build-up of the well known hazardous fuel known amongst the uncultured as "trees." More specifically, it's aimed at culling "predominantly" dying timber. But the best part is in the fine print where we discover the depth of the timber industry's concern for the environment in these words: "Because of the strong concern for the safety of human life and property, and the protection of water quality, air quality, and wildlife habitat, a sale...shall not be precluded because the costs of the sale may exceed the revenue derived by the sale." Looks like you gotta go to a Weyerhaeuser lobbyist to find genuine environmentalism. (H.R. 2458)

The New Improved Moon

No longer will the moon be wasted on young lovers, if advertisers Gary Betts and Malcolm Green have their way. The two London ad execs have announced plans to turn the moon into a giant billboard. After consulting with NASA scientists, the two believe they have a feasible plan for projecting corporate logos onto the moon's surface using reflected sunlight from two large, umbrella-shaped mirrors. In the scientific community, the major debate seems to be over how (not why) to project brand names onto the moon. French scientists have reportedly come up with a cheaper way to get corporate logos into space using reflecting satellites. Meanwhile, the news agency Reuters treats this as a promotion for the moon, adding that now "the moon could be more than just a part of the solar system." (Reuters, 10/27)

Playboy Consciousness in Utah

After making a surprising attack on the moral climate of Salt Lake City, Brigham Young University has been forced to remove four nude statues from an exhibit of the works of Auguste Rodin. Campbell Gray, director of the BYU Museum of Art, refused to display works like Rodin's "The Kiss," which depicts the embrace of a naked man and woman, because it would disrupt the exhibit. "We have felt," he said, "that the nature of those works are such that the viewer will be concentrating on them in a way that is not good for us." But would all viewers have the purity of their concentration disrupted by the nudity? Apparently not. In the original AP story, Gray is quoted as saying the decision was complex and reflected not only Mormon religious views, but "the school's interpretation of the moral climate of the surrounding community..." Sounds like a lot of dirty minds out there in Utah. (AP 10/27)

Microsoft Invests in Metaphors

Microsoft has gotten itself in hot water with the government. It seems that Microsoft has been threatening computer manufacturers to either install the Internet Explorer software on their products, or else lose their license to install the whole Windows operating system. For the benefit of those of us with IQs under 200, Microsoft was kind enough to have one of their English majors come up with a metaphor to explain why their web browser needed to be "fully integrated" with Windows. Here it is: "Ford would not allow one of its dealers to pull the factory installed engine out of a Mustang and substitute a Chevy engine." So the Internet Explorer is really the "engine" of Windows? Essential to its operation? And with all their billions, Microsoft can only produce this mouse of a metaphor? And how about this Microsqueak rationale for extending its software monopoly: "We're simply preserving the customer experience with the product we've built." If only all companies were as dedicated to preserving important customer experiences... (NYT 10/27)

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