Slick Willy and Co. are coming to the Pacific Northwest to down a few brews and size up the free trade contenders in the Pacific Rim. Clinton and his pals have got their eyes on a few hopeful draft picks among the players in the APEC Conference.

APEC (short for "Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation") is a loose organization of 18 Pacific Rim countries, whose governments range from wealthy plutocracies (Canada, Australia, Japan, and the U.S.) to outright dictatorships (Indonesia, Chile, Brunei, and Malaysia). They meet annually to discuss how to help U.S. and Japanese corporations profit from the misery of Asian peoples. It's a veritable beauty contest of the corrupt, where third world nation states vie to attract the attentions of first world trading partners by accentuating their commitments to human rights violations in the name of maintaining a positive climate for business.

The natural draft picks for Slick Willy's team will have that unbeatable combination of low wage rates, no minimum wage law, lack of labor protections, an exploitable prison population, a hefty and well-trained military schooled in the use of clandestine murder and torture against civilian populations, and a booming sex-tourism industry (including child prostitution). Sure, natural talent helps, but hard work and perseverence set the real pros apart. Let's have a peek at the likely top five picks:

5) Mexico. Our 52nd state (Canada is the 51st). Always there when you need 'em, especially when it comes to cheap labor only a stone's throw away. The Mexican maquilladoras (or "sweatshops," for you gringos) are a businessman's paradise. No labor unions allowed, no safety rules to follow, no employee benefits to pay, and low, low tax rates. As a bonus, the Mexican government is privatizing everything from its telephone service to its oil industry. U.S. investors are lapping it up.

4) Chile. An aging dictator left over from the early '70s, Gen. Augusto Pinochet, works hard to keep on top of the heap in human rights violations. Chile's army is staffed by experts in torture techniques, clandestine terrorism, and is heavily armed with gringo "consultants" and weapons purchased from U.S. defense contractors. Labor unions are illegal (labor organizers routinely "disappear") and political dissidents rot in jail or turn up dead in the streets. A very favorable investment climate.

3) Thailand. Ooh la la! One-stop-shopping for the perverted: teenage girls chained to beds in firetrap brothels, six and seven-year-old boys visiting customers in hotel rooms, and peasant women lured to the city to make "big money" working as servants (i.e., sexual slaves) to wealthy foreigners--all managed with the help of the Thai police. Businessmen investing in Thailand, however, are not happy just raping women and young children; they're busy logging and strip-mining the countryside, too. No environmental restraints, no restrictions on property ownership, and the military will take care of any pesky indigenous people who get in the way. Slick Willy and Co. are so excited they can barely keep their distinguishing marks covered!

2) China. With flexible labor laws (whatever the Party decides), exploitable prison population, and an army that owns and runs its own sweatshops, you can't go wrong. Not only has China perfected the art of killing and imprisoning its own dissidents, it has also adopted that winning strategy to Tibet, where the army is murdering Buddhist monks and turning temples into tourist traps, and to similar, less publicized genocidal schemes among Central Asia's indigenous. China gets a special bonus for a burgeoning market in organ transplants--from live donors in its prison population! Workers! You have nothing to lose but your kidneys! (Sorry, we're keeping the chains.)

1) Indonesia. This year's winner of the MVP (Most Vicious Psycho) award, President-For-Life Suharto is celebrating the 32nd year of his prosperous reign. In the world's fourth most populous country, his relatives run the military, own seven of Indonesia's sixteen banks, and staff most of the government ministries. Businessmen can be guaranteed that "family touch," whenever they visit Jakarta. Because Indonesia's an archipelago, it can easily hide the brutal suppression of indigenous people on Irian Jaya, and the slaughter of one-third of the East Timorese population. And you guessed it: no labor unions, wages are a buck per day, and environmental laws are nonexistent. Slash and burn all the way to the bank--now that's real entrepreneurial spirit!

What a team! Clinton & Co. are playing in a league of their own. And the opposition? Why, to hear Pres. Bill tell it, they won't even show up.

A coalition of labor, religious, and social justice groups is planning a People's Summit on APEC to be held during the week of November 17-24 in Vancouver, B.C., prior to and during the APEC Conference to protest trade liberalization and the appalling human rights records of the APEC member nations. For more information, call 604-682-1952, fax 604-682-1931, or e-mail popsum97@bc.sympatico.ca. More organizer contacts: No! to APEC Coalition, 604-255-1509, notoapec@vcn.bc.ca; Democracy Village (Univ. of B.C.), jono@physics.ubc.ca; Union of B.C. Indian Chiefs 604-684-0231. The other APEC members are: Australia, Brunei, Canada, Hong Kong, Japan, Malaysia, New Zealand, Papua New Guinea, The Phillipines, Singapore, South Korea, Taiwan and the good 'ol U.S.A.