Hoarded at http://www.scn.org/newspeak Celebrating cutting edge advances in the Doublethink of the '90s Written by Wayne Grytting

History Rewriting 101

One of the common myths of the '90s has been put to rest. Cynics complain that when book publishers are bought out by large corporations, their work is inevitably compromised. Just the opposite was demonstrated by attorney Gary Reback at a conference on Microsoft sponsored by Ralph Nader. Recently the Gates monolith bought out Funk & Wagnell's Encyclopedia to use for their on-line "Encarta" version. Funk and Wagnell's originally had an entry on none other than Bill Gates himself, describing him as a "tough competitor who seems to value winning in a competitive environment over money." A terrible sentence. After the takeover, this same phrase was improved to "known for his corporate contributions and educational organizations." Obviously a much better version of history. (Seattle P-I, 11/14)

Life in the Fast Lane

The defeat of fast track authority for the President set off warning bells in our leading newspapers. The Wall Street Journal warns that the Democrats have become "a wholly owned subsidiary of the trade unions," bought outright with "cash, pure and simple." Even worse, they warn "what is going on at the AFL-CIO is a takeover by the American Left." This last remark came as a surprise to the American Left, last seen at a 1991 Anti-Gulf War rally. Meanwhile, the New York Times produced a lasting rebuttal to the "flagrantly false rhetoric" spurred on by "labor's campaign money." Reverting to a killer syllogism, they said (and listen carefully): "But American wages closely mirror American productivity. Trade can not threaten productivity, so it does not threaten the wages of most American workers." Good to see the old carnival shell game still has practitioners. (NYT 11/13, WSJ 11/11)

Who's on First?

The transit system in Washington DC has finally solved the problem of high rush-hour fares. Responding to complaints that Washington's high rush-hour fares did not bring better service, assistant general manager Peter Benjamin is reported as responding that the bus service no longer had special "rush-hour" fares. These were now their "regular" fares. And the fares during off peak times were no longer "regular" fares, but the "discount" fares. The upshot is that bus service customers could not expect better service during rush hours because they were now only paying regular fares. A brilliant solution. (WP 11/13)

Reasons to Buy American

In Oakland, nine bison escaped from the city's zoo. I know you are probably thinking "So what," but you obviously haven't heard the rest of the story. Before the bison could wreak havoc in the streets of Oakland, clever employees found a way to lure them back. First they tried putting some mouth-watering hay in front of them. When that failed, they went to a tried and true American product. Yes, they put slices of Wonderbread in front of the dumbfounded bison and stopped them in their tracks. The bread that builds strong bodies 12 ways proved to be 100% more effective than hay in attracting the half ton mammals. What an endorsement. Can't wait to see Langendorf's next ad campaign. (Reuters 11/13)

Special thanks this week to Marie Birnbaum and Tom Langdon. Newspeak is posted weekly and can be had by e-mail by telling the author what a great guy he is at wgrytt@blarg.net