Hoarded at http://www.scn.org/newspeak Celebrating cutting edge advances in the Doublethink of the 90's Written by Wayne Grytting

Stand and Deliver

The Air Force unveiled a new program to improve the math and science skills of our youth. At the Museum of Aviation in Warner Robins, Georgia, Air Force pilots are training teenage students to operate military plane simulators and perform missions over Iraq. While students in a C-130 cargo plane simulator deliver "food" and "medicine" to Baghdad, their peers ride shotgun in fighter planes ready to rid the skies of "enemy" aircraft. Fortunately, the program is not meant to serve a military agenda, according to its director, Maj. Tim Ham. He reports: "Here, they get to see how the stuff they are learning in the classrooms can be used in everyday kind of jobs." And what, besides flying missions over Iraq, constitutes an "everyday kind of job"? Try search and rescue, surveillance, and reconnaissance, all according to Maj. Ham. (AP 2/1)

Quiz Time

Which of the following words is used incorrectly if left uncapitalized or standing by itself: velcro, popsicle, mace, ping-pong, sheetrock, dumpster, hula-hoop, play-doh, and frisbee? The correct answer, of course, is all of them, because all these terms are owned by someone. This invaluable information appears in an ad in the Columbia Journalism Review sponsored by the International Trademark Association. The INTA is eager to let editors and journalists learn "a few important guidelines that will help prevent letters of complaint from trademark owners." They want it known that trademarks are proper adjectives, requiring capitalization and a noun or noun phrase. So in the interest of protecting private property, here are their approved ways to use these terms: Velcro hoop and loop fasteners, Popsicle flavored ices, Mace tear gas, Ping-Pong tennis table equipment, Sheetrock plaster wallboard, Dumpster trash container, Hula-Hoop plastic hoop, Play-Doh modeling compound and Frisbee flying discs. So let's all toe the line. (CJR 1/98)

Beyond Narcissism

Dial Soap announced they are dumping their classic advertising slogan, "Aren't you glad you use Dial." The jingle's demise may provide anthropologists of the future with major insights into the culture of the 90s. In the words of the Wall Street Journal, the slogan "wasn't relevant any longer because of what is going on inside of soap users' heads." Dial's ad people argue that people today are not primarily worried about offending others with body odor, but mainly want protection from the germs of the outside world. In the words of DDB Needham ad executive Joe Belmonte: "It used to be 'I'm trying to make myself presentable to you.' Now it's more about 'I've got to wash you off of me'." This would make Jack Nicholson's Melvin in "As Good As It Gets" a candidate for poster child of the 90's. (WSJ 1/20)

Sensitivity Training--Army Style

No doubt many of you worry whether the generals of our US Army are able to take advantage of the many advances being made today by the motivational industry. I'm glad to report that 81 of our newest generals were able to participate in a week long Brigadier General Training Course, where they were taught how to get in touch with their "inner jerk" by Lt. Col. Howard Olsen. The Colonel may have verged on divulging classified information when he told the assembled generals that "Each and everyone of you has something that makes you a jerk." Another unnamed general spoke out about the treaty banning landmines. He warned, "That's the first step on the road to disarmament. The next step is to go after your M-16s." (Glad to see that at least one general was able to get in touch with his "inner jerk.") (WSJ 1/19)

Special thanks this week to Robert DeFriesse and Donald Boring for sounding alerts to quality Newspeak. To get on the mailing list, send a message about your "inner jerk" to wgrytt@blarg.net.