I froze when I heard the radio newscast. "Several school girls and a teacher have been shot by two boys in camouflage." An 11-year-old and a 13-year-old, I later learned. The 13-year-old was avenging his bruised honor, since his girlfriend had (wisely) broken up with him. Subsequent interviews revealed that the boys sung in a church choir, had practiced using guns with their male relatives, and the younger murderer had attended handgun safety classes. This way he was able to safely murder several females without shooting his buddy. Handgun safety education works! Who needs gun control? Was this a manifestation of family--I mean, patriarchal--values? The next news story made it clear: soundbites from several of Jonesburo's male leaders featured guys closing ranks against any examination of male culture. It's rarely the women who open fire. A prominent Jonesboro minister announced: "God did not leave Jonesboro this week. But the healing will not begin until we can all forgive." What a healing message from this Man of God! Deny your anguish! Stuff that outrage! This is the local version of don't ask/don't tell--don't ask why two boys felt they had the right to act out their feelings by murdering women and girls; don't feel outrage that these boys so easily gathered hundreds of rounds of ammunition, assault rifles, and handguns; don't face the violence that infects Jonesboro, Seattle, Addis Ababa, Paris, and every city on this planet. This is not Southern culture on skids; gun culture and macho hunting rituals are rural traditions, North and South. Family violence exists in every community, in houses with rusty cars on blocks or a shiny Lexus in the garage. We won't eliminate violence by rushing to forgive murderers, abusers and batterers; we have to face the violence in families, in organized religion, and in our highly militarized society. We must decide whether we are willing to venture beyond admiring bullies and bombs, willing to face and work with feelings and frustrations, without harming anyone. But not if you listen to the principal of the school where several students and one teacher were murdered. He said we need to stop asking why this happened, put it behind us, and move forward. It's frightening enough for an educator to dismiss the central question of "why"; but he went on to assure reporters that his was "the safest school in the country." I'm sure this was great comfort to the slain teacher's husband, or the dead girls' parents.

Denial is the unspoken agreement to ignore the violence and terror endemic in all U.S. communities, where one in every six men acts out violence against his wife or girlfriend. That's the conservative estimate-- the numbers come from the FBI (this is not the Feminist Bureau of Investigation). Feminism isn't a gender. And not all men are violent, insane predators. The night I heard the first news report, I started calling all my male friends to remind myself that there are caring, gentle, spirited, respectful, nonviolent men in the world. But not enough of them. And our culture trains men to act out any needs and feelings through violence. My friends are men who grew beyond this sick, deadly, patriarchal training, and I'm grateful for these feminists. The minister and principal in Jonesboro could learn a lot from these real men.