Hoarded at http://www.scn.org/newspeak Celebrating cutting edge advances in the Doublethink of the 90's Allegedly Written by Wayne Grytting

God Bless the Landlords

Vencor, the corporate owners of a nursing home chain with 310 convenient locations, announced it is ending its relationship with Medicaid. This means it is evicting up to a third of its residents in an effort to attract wealthier patients able to afford the "higher levels" of medical care it plans to be providing. The evictions of long-time residents brought on a storm of protest, for as the Wall Street Journal was kind enough to explain to its readers (historians take note, in 1998 this explanation was felt to be necessary): "evicting old people can create hard feelings in the community." But Vencor CEO Michael Barr was able to put everything into perspective. "We really are doing this," he said, "for what I consider to be the right reasons. Our goal is to turn this into the best medical nursing facility in that market." Sometimes, as was said in the Vietnam War, you just have to "destroy the village" in order to save it. (WSJ 4/7)

Buy American

In 1997, six of the top eight finishers in Colorado's Bolder Boulder Marathon were from Kenya. But corporate sponsors immediately spotted a problem with this result. The Kenyan runners were "marketing liabilities." So to insure more Americans finished among the leaders, race officials passed a new rule limiting the number of runners from Kenya, or any other foreign country, to three. But it's the justification for this change, presented by race director Bill Reef, that earns particular merit. "We hope to level the playing field," said Mr. Reef in what is believed to be the first time American athletes have received protection from a nation with an average income worth less than two pairs of Nike's. Then Mr. Reed enunciated what could become the sports world's own Monroe Doctrine, "It's our country, our event, our money. American sponsors want American winners, or at least Americans among the top finishers." To "level the playing field" even more, sponsors have promised to double the prize money for our athletes finishing in the top five. (NYT 4/16)

A Mental Recess

In their undying efforts to raise the test scores of our youth, School Districts across the country are targeting a portion of the school day said to be a waste of time: recess. While School Districts in New York, New Jersey and Connecticut permit individual schools to make decisions about children's recess, cities like Atlanta have taken the lead in eliminating unproductive time spent by their children. This has brought great savings because new school buildings can now be built without playgrounds. Doing this year's best imitation of an educator out of a Dickens novel is the superintendent of Atlanta's schools, Benjamin Canada, who says, "We are intent on improving academic performance. You can't do that by having kids hanging on the monkey bars." Meanwhile, Philadelphia has compromised by allowing a "socialized recess" (which we hope is not like "socialized medicine") with structured activities for their apparently undersocialized youth. (NYT 4/7)

New Age CEOs

Our nation's top executives appear to be going beyond materialistic demands, displaying a new-found interest in holistic health. Much like Mafia wannabees who spoke of becoming "made men," CEOs now speak of wanting to be made "whole." Apparently executives can be made "whole" by being offered stock options by a prospective employer that compensates them for the stock they lose when jumping ship. For example, when Quaker Oats lured away Sprint's CEO Robert Lemay, they made him "whole" with $2.5 million in cash and 11.7 in stock options. But apparently there are levels of "wholeness" that executives can aspire to. So when Sprint replied with a $20.5 million package, it was, said a spokesperson, an effort to "make him a little more whole." I like this usage. It leaves executives with more to aim for, don't you think? (WSJ 4/22)

Special thanks this month to the eagle eyes of Mike Allen, Mike McCormick, Mark Cohen and Nicholas Rossis. No thanks to all of you who flooded me with e-mail about incorrectly identifying Maryland as the "Tarheel" state last month. Alright already. To subscribe or make big donations, write to wgrytt@blarg.net