Hoarded at http://www.scn.org/newspeak Celebrating cutting edge advances in the Doublethink of the 90's Written by Wayne Grytting

Selling the War on Drugs

Newt Gingrinch's campaign for a Drug Free America hit a bump when its PR script with approved sound bites and visual props was leaked. The one page memo gave Republican leaders "communication ideas" and a handy list of descriptive adjectives to enliven their speeches. These included power words such as "epidemic," "scourge," and "poison," props like needles and syringes and ways to get Democrats to "buy into it." But even better was the Republican response to the disclosure of their behind the scenes media manipulations. An unnamed top Congressional aide demonstrated a keen grasp of the issues when commenting "That kind of stuff would be better off just talked about." Another Republican press secretary, Pete Jeffries, put it all in perspective when he defended the use of PR memos by leaders who "need to know what the event's all about so when they're in the spotlight they can perform." Like trained seals, I presume. (WP 4/30)

The Gay Catch-22

Ross Perot barged back into the news by revoking the health coverage for partners of newly hired gay employees in his computer firm. Perot said he was worried that if he granted health benefits to gay partners, then unmarried heterosexual couples would want to claim the same benefits. "It has nothing to do with gay rights," he said. "It has everything to do with fairness and equity." Mr. Perot did not say whether the fact gay couples are commonly barred from marriage impacted the "fairness and equity" of his decision. But he did announce "I'll give you the biggest steak in Texas if you can find anybody who says I discriminated against them because they are gay." Rumor has it the price of beef went up 50% the next day. (NYT 4/10)

The Global Jail

The fear of prisoners escaping their confinement has been solved by a simple expedient--technological advances that allow the entire earth to serve as a prison. New surveillance technology employing Global Positioning Satellites and wireless modules worn on the ankle may allow for complete monitoring of offenders anywhere on the planet. Leading edge companies in the surveillance field, like Pro Tech Monitoring, are excited about the possibilities of their "offender satellite surveillance system." Says PTM president Bob Martinez, "Our business aims at taking offender monitoring into the 21st century." This enthusiasm is echoed by Jason Coheneur, sales VP for Sierra Wireless, who praises his company's "continued strategy to deliver practical, effective wireless solutions to new segments of the public safety market." Hoyt Layson, VP for PTM, praises his company's products as "the perfect option for our complete wireless solution." Or maybe we could call it the "final solution"? (http://spacer.com , 4/8)

The Full Monty Seat

Only in America did the following regulation have to be written. For years the Occupational and Health Administration has taken the reasonable step of requiring employers to provide toilets. One throne is required for up to 15 employees and 2 for the next 16 to 35 and so on. But OSHA committed a gross oversight in making their regulations. They forgot to explain why the toilets were needed. So now in 1998 they had to make a new rule requiring employers to "make toilet facilities available so that employees can use them when they need to do so." Duh. Let's just hope the regulations require doors that open on the toilets. And toilet paper. (NYT 4/10)

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