Hoarded at http://www.scn.org/newspeak. Celebrating cutting edge advances in the Doublethink of the 90's Allegedly written by Wayne Grytting

The New Entitlements

Just as the rich have been getting richer, so have the children of the rich. Child support awards in divorce cases have been soaring as courts have gained a finer appreciation of the needs of wealthy children. In a recent divorce case in Pennsylvania, Amy Karp was able to convince the court her 4 children needed $23,266 per month in child support from their father, millionaire investor Michael Karp, so they would not feel "second class" with her. Ms. Karp's lawyers cited another Pennsylvania divorce case where it was decided that rich kids not only should have but are entitled to "good restaurants, good hotels, good shows and good camps." Fortunately, the court did not follow the same logic and determine that poor children were entitled to bad restaurants, bad hotels, etc. Nor did they seem to feel that poor children (who may receive slightly less than $23,000 a month) would feel "second class" by their lesser awards. (WSJ 5/1)

Poor Timing

TV news broadcasters in California had a rude awakening one morning when station KTLA broadcast a debate between candidates for governor and saw their usual morning ratings double. Despite $90 million being spent on ads for the primaries, the news departments had been ignoring election coverage to focus their resources on the vital car chases of the day. KTLA news director Jeff Wald admitted, "we had been caught up in other things and hadn't realized that this is a very interesting race ... I kind of regret that we hadn't done more to cover [the campaign]." And what had kept the campaign hidden from the eyes of TV newscasters? According to Wald it was "because of the May Sweeps," which determine ratings and advertising rates for the next six months. Wald said the sweeps "discourage political coverage in the month before the primary at all stations." An obvious scheduling mistake by the State of California's Election Board. (WP 5/23)

New Age Labor Relations

With shortages of labor cropping up many companies are turning to a new source of employees right here in the USA: our prison system and its 1.7 million inmates. In the words of the Wall Street Journal, "economic reality and criminal justice intersect in America." Corporations are finding that parolees and inmates in halfway houses and drug abuse programs make good employees. Why? Because, says the Journal, "Street and prison life, it turns out, aren't bad ways to prepare for certain jobs." (Let it be noted for the record, the Journal reported this with a straight face without questioning the nature of jobs requiring such "preparation.") A key reason for their success? "The parolees do so well in part because they are under tight supervision and risk returning to jail if they fail a drug test." Another vital lesson for managing our nation's workers. (WSJ 5/12)

The Write Stuff

Has your attempt to write a children's book been rejected by publishers? Well your problem may be that your name isn't Shaq O'Neill. Children's Publishers have been racing to publish books with the names of celebrities on them. This year such noted children's "authors" as John Travolta, Dom DeLuise, Jane Seymour, Jamie Lee Curtis and the Shaq have had books published with their names proudly displayed. Rick Richter, President of Simon & Schuster explains why: "The big name makes it an easier buying decision for the parents." It's like the name "Shaq" is your guarantee of quality writing." He adds that relying on celebrities "is essentially about branding." How appropriate to have a beef metaphor when speaking of contemporary literature. (WSJ 5/4)

Special thanks to Karena Hatfield-Grytting, Jason Kazarian and Doug Hocking for spotting quality Newspeak. We now post this nonsense monthly and don't whine about the change. You can subscribe by writing to wgrytt@blarg.net and telling why you liked Shaq's last book.