Hoarded at http://www.scn.org/newspeak Celebrating cutting edge advances in the Doublethink of the 90's Allegedly written by Wayne Grytting

Thoreau on Wheels

Are you interested in "Backpacking Chevy Van Style" or do you even understand the concept? If not you need to catch the latest ad from Chevrolet's RV department. Since the literary style of the ad's text far exceeds my meager abilities to reproduce it, let me just quote it at length: "Years ago, you used to go backpacking to smell the flowers, watch the sunset and just get away from it all. A sleeping bag and a mess kit were all you needed. Well now that you are used to life's luxuries, it takes more." Just imagine being out in nature without a TV and dishwasher? Or a cell phone? And when you "backpack" Chevy Van style, you can, because of its powerful Vortec engine or optional 6.5 liter Turbocharged Diesel V8, "count on years of communing with nature in reliable ruggedness." You might try revving the engine for an even fuller "communion with nature."

The Global Village Dept.

The giant merger of Chrysler and Germany's Daimler - Bemz has led to a minor cultural problem that needs ironing out. Chrysler executives make about 8 times what their German counterparts take in. Thus Richard J. Easten the Chrysler CEO makes $16 million while Jurgen Schrempp, the Daimler-Benz CEO, makes a paltry $1.9 million. The obvious solution of raising the German salaries runs into the nagging problem of German attitudes against high executive pay and widening gaps between rich and poor. Explains Jeorg Pluta, director of the German Shareholder Protection Association: "It's the European mentality. The enrichment of an individual on the backs of workers is considered exploitation." Thank goodness we aren't so parochial. (WSJ 5/26)

Happy Thoughts

As part of Microsoft's renewed educational efforts, one ot their finer vice-presidents, Bob Herbold, granted an interview. Confronted with the question of why Microsoft doesn't just confess to having a monopoly on PC operating systems, Mr. Herbold made a telling reply by asking, "How do you define that word?" His profundity was met by that of his questioner who replied, "An overwhelming share." But to this, Herbold responded by pointing out how weak this definition of monopoly was, because, in his words, "most people would define it with some negative aspects. Defining that term just as a high market share we don't think is appropriate. Most people, when they hear that word, they connect negative connotations with it." And that is why Microsoft does not have a "monopoly" or anything else, I presume, with negative connotations. (TechWeb 3/20, http://www.techweb.com/wire/story/msftdoj/TWB19980320S0001)

Defending Our Inner Cities

For years, minority neighborhoods complained of having an unfair share of incinerators and garbage dumps placed in their areas. So the Environmental Protection Agency responded with regulations that forbade unfairly burdening racial minorities with sources of pollution. Fortunately the U.S. Chamber of Commerce was looking out for their real interests. William L. Kovacs, the Chamber's VP, attacked such rules because "It runs contrary to federal programs designed to bring jobs and cleanup to low-income and minority areas..." Then he adds, "No one is looking at the long-term economic benefit." (Of polluting, I believe he intended to say.) But Donald Welch, deputy secretary of the Pennsylvania Dept. of Environmental Protection, topped him by arguing the EPA's actions were "disconnected from the real world of permit decision making." That's the real world, for those of you who have been wondering. (NYT 5/10)

Special thanks to Karena Hatfield-Grytting, Jason Kazarian and Doug Hocking for spotting quality Newspeak. We now post this nonsense monthly and don't whine about the change. You can subscribe by writing to wgrytt@blarg.net and telling what happened to that old mess kit.