California was first in offering religious consumers the convenience of drive-in churches, but now North Carolina has leapfrogged ahead. In Chapel Hill, the United Church of Christ has installed an automatic teller machine so parishioners can give electronically. While many churches have long accepted credit card donations, this was usually done within the privacy of the treasurer's office. The United Church of Christ is the first congregation to have an ATM machine proudly displayed. Now there's no bothersome separation between the church and the banking world (or should I say, there's a better interface). So far, the church reports only a few are taking advantage of the convenience and the machine is taking in about $100 a week. But it's a start. (AP 6/21/98)

Overcoming Barriers

In New York City, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani put through a program to help improve traffic congestion along two major boulevards, 49th and 50th streets. The plan involved placing barriers to keep pedestrians confined to one side of the streets to make it easier for cars making turns. But a problem emerged at once over what to call these wildly popular barricades. Fortunately, Inspector James McShane, head of the NYPD's Traffic Control Division, was there to provide leadership. "We call them separators," he said. But that clearly was not good enough in his mind, which led him to suggest "'Pedestrian facilitators' is even better." Studies now show that average car speeds on these two streets have improved nearly 20% since the pedestrian facilitators were installed, demonstrating once again the power of positive thinking. Ahem. (NYT 6/19/98)

Son of Frankenstein

Now that "downsizing" is offically passe, what new verbs and adjectives are cutting edge companies finding to describe the massive firings of employees that accompany mergers? One of the best solutions is provided in a press release by Wang Global announcing their purchase of a firm named Olsy from Olivetti S.P.A. In it, Wang predicts they will spend over $380 million on the "integration and the rightsizing of the new combined company." Notice the ease with which the freshly minted verb "rightsizing" is employed. To fully grasp their concept of "rightsizing," it should be noted they expect to spend $290 million on eliminating redundant facilities and on severance pay. Nowhere in the press release does Wang give an estimate of the number of employees to be let go, another sign of their advance beyond the primitive era of "downsizing." Our prediction: watch for an American company to introduce the term "nicesizing" by next year. (Press Release 4/6)

The Free Press in Action

Automation is making further advances in the magazine industry. Many familiar supermarket magazines are realizing savings by simply eliminating the reporters in their interviews of famous celebrities. Sharon Stone recently conducted her own interview in Harper's Bazaar, as did Mel Gibson in Us. While carping critics worry that such practices turn the press into uncritical parts of Hollywood's PR machinery, Ingrid Sischy, editor of Interview, takes a more positive view of "collaborating" with famous personalities. She argues, "We are taking people's portraits with these interviews and as you know, a portrait can be skewed in many ways." No reporter, no skewing. But even if a reporter is used, one imperative remains: "And if we feel any sense of discomfort about what we are doing...I suggest we make a phone call." I'm sure politicians would (or do) appreciate the same courtesy. (NYT 5/18)

Special thanks to Karena Hatfield-Grytting, Jason Kazarian and Doug Hocking for spotting quality Newspeak. You can subscribe by writing to wgrytt@blarg.net and telling why you need a phone call before we write about you.