Looking for an alternative to the slovenly government propaganda spouted by the commercial radio and television networks? Perhaps you depend on National Public Radio as your critical voice, the objective beacon of reason in a sea of obsequiousness, willing to cast a critical eye on the powers of the Beltway. Well, if so there's probably little hope for you anyway, but any illusions of NPR deviance from the government line should be safely put to rest by its choice of a new President/CEO: Kevin Klose, who moves to purveying Garrison Keillor and All Things Petroleum from his current position as Director of the U.S. International Broadcasting Bureau. That's the federal agency that oversees overseas propaganda: the Voice of America, the Office of Cuba Broadcasting, Radio Free Europe, Radio Liberty, Radio Asia, and other misuses of your tax dollars. It's hard to imagine a more perfect fit for the liberal audio chloroform of NPR than a man who markets jingoism.--Geov Parrish

Last week, while Pres. Clinton and his military advisors got their jollies by threatening to bomb the hell out of Iraq, Vice Pres. Al Gore trundled off to Malaysia to give a hypocritical and self-serving speech to the 21 Asian heads of state gathered at the Asia Pacific Economic Conference (APEC) in Kuala Lumpur. Gore's speech, originally written for Clinton, contained high-minded words like: "freedom," "self-determination," and "democracy." Never mind that eight years of U.S.-backed sanctions against Iraq have starved the Iraqi people into a stupor, and made it much less possible for them to overthrow Saddam Hussein's repressive dictatorship. The sanctions have created a highly stratified society within a country that used to have one of the highest standards of living for all of its citizens in the Middle East. Nowadays in Iraq, there seem to be two classes. The upper class is composed of Saddam's political allies, military staff, and businessmen who have profited from the black market and sanctions profiteering; many of these folks have actually gained from the sanctions. The other class is everybody else: the majority of Iraqi citizens, who are starving and/or dying of preventable diseases. So much for "democracy" and "self-determination"; U.S. foreign policy initiatives seldom match U.S. government rhetoric.--Maria Tomchick

Meanwhile, in Malaysia, Gore's speech was taken as a direct reference to Prime Minister Mahathir Mohammed's jailing of his primary political opponent, Anwar Ibrahim. Yet U.S. government officials routinely visit nations whose dictatorships jail and abuse political opponents, and they smilingly shake hands and say nothing. So why make a fuss over this guy? It's simple: Anwar Ibrahim is a big promoter of free-market economic policies and the IMF. Last December, when the Asian economic crisis hit Malaysia, Mahathir rejected the advice of the U.S., World Bank, and IMF; he made moves to freeze the value of Malaysia's currency, isolate the national economy from the global economy, and minimize the damage to Malaysian businesses and banks. As a result, Malaysia has stayed on its feet and not needed billions of dollars of new loans from the IMF (unlike Thailand, Indonesia, and South Korea). At the same time, these moves closed Malaysian markets to western investment. Uh-oh. That's guaranteed to bring U.S. displeasure. Mahathir's days are numbered.--M.T.

So, what actually happened at APEC? Not very much. The main order of business was a push to approve an agreement discussed at last year's APEC conference to lower trade barriers between APEC member nations over nine key products: fish and forestry, environmental goods and services, medical equipment, energy, toys, telecommunications, gems and jewelry, and chemicals. Instead of agreeing on fast-track trade liberalization that would cover about $1.5 trillion in trade every year, the APEC members just sat around and groused about Pres. Clinton's absence. Then they kicked the proposal over to the World Trade Organization and told them to handle it. Finally, to come up with some "positive" announcement, they took credit for a U.S.-Japan brokered deal to provide a $10 billion bailout fund for struggling Asian economies that would be administered by the Export-Import Bank and Oversease Private Investment Corporation (OPIC). Wonderful. More high-interest, short-term loans for nations and businesses already up to their eyeballs in debt. I guess anything goes when your mission is to keep the world worshipping at the "free-trade" alter.--M.T.

And, outside the gates of APEC, there were the usual protests, this year focused on calls for Anwar Ibrahim's release. Police reacted with the usual show of brutality, including water cannons with yellow dye so that protestors would be marked for future pickup by police, beyond camera range. Curiously, only now, a year later, treatment of APEC protestors at last year's shindig in Vancouver, B.C. has become a major political issue in Canada--particularly the use of pepper spray on nonviolent protestors. The political uproar contrasts with the U.S., where, despite a highly publicized series of California incidents of pepper spray being swabbed directly onto the eyeballs of non-resisting protestors, use of pepper spray as a "non-lethal" show of cop force has fast become standard for not just subduing suspects but crowd control and "pain compliance." That's in defiance both of manufacturer recommendations and international law governing torture. The deaths of people in the U.S. who suffer allergic reactions, misapplication, or, um, how shall we say this--overapplication of chemical weapons are steadily mounting. The public outcry has been negligible. How long before U.S. authorities pick up on the yellow dye trick? (Bank robbers, free speech advocates, same sorta thing.)--G.P.

I've had it. In the last few years I've managed to pay off most of my credit card debt, cancel a couple of cards, and cut 'em up (that's the best part!). But I still keep getting those damn credit card offers in the mail. First, they offered me a 7.9% introductory interest rate, but I ignored them. Then they offered lower rates: 6.9%, then 5.9%, then 4.9%. I remained firm. (What is it with the "point nines," anyway? Do they think I'm too stupid to know that 4.9% is really 5%?) Then the final blow: yesterday I pulled the mail out of my box, tossed the Silicone Boobs in Lingerie catalogue into the recycle bin and there it was ... an envelope screaming "Indulge! ... only a 1% APR." No!, I thought. What scam are they up to now?. Inside the envelope was a letter and credit card application from FCC National Bank in Wilmington, Delaware. And in the fine print: "Each purchase you make starts its own three-month 1% APR savings period ... if you carry a balance on your purchases past the three-month 1% interest period, you'll still enjoy a low 13.99% fixed rate." After I stopped laughing, I thought about all the folks who'd get this same mailing and think: "Gosh, maybe I can afford Christmas, after all." Then I started to get really, really angry.--M.T.

News flash! On Sunday, over 2,300 people crossed the line and were briefly detained--but then released by overwhelmed Army officials--at Fort Benning, Georgia. The mass arrests--the largest such civil disobedience in the U.S. in at least a decade--were part of a gaggle of 7,000 protestors who came to Columbus, Georgia to demand the shutdown of the School of the Americas, the U.S. Army's notorious finishing school for Latin American thugs. The huge turnout can't help but be a powerful impetus to that drive, which has already failed by narrow votes repeatedly in Congress. Congrats to the organizers and all those who travelled the long distances to make their outrage felt--including ETS!'s own John Reese and a number of other folks from the Pacific Northwest.--G.P.

Bzzzt. We was snookered. That bit about biodiversity and brand names in last week's shorts was a hoax, sent on to us separated from its original source in the frequently brilliant satiric newspaper The Onion (though none of the people who pointed this out to us could prove it wasn't true). Just a reminder--well, two: 1) Don't trust the Internet, and 2) Don't trust our extensive staff of volunteer fact-checkers. We do our best, but as always, make up yer own mind.--G.P.

Speaking of volunteers, ETS! could really use someone to help distribute on 15th Ave. on Capitol Hill. Takers? 206-215-1156. And we've still got these really cool 1999 wall calendars which we would prefer not to have in a month. Buy your $10 holiday gift and support a great cause (us) today: Left Bank Books, Red & Black Books, and the Globe Cafe on Capitol Hill., at the ETS! Tuesday night parties, or through the mail at PO Box 85541, Seattle WA 98145. It's a great stocking stuffer for loved ones with really flat feet.