Hoarded at http://www.scn.org/newspeak Celebrating cutting edge advances in the Doublethink of the 90's

No More Newt to Kick Around

When news of the Grinch's resignation hit, I thought I'd have to pack up my suitcase and quit doing satire. But that was before I'd given new House Speaker Bob Livingston half a chance. Although promoted as a moderate, Livingston is the author of the "three strikes" law, he has blocked funding for abortions, co-sponsored right to work laws, and has set a record of sorts for the most money raised from the defense industry while having no defense installations in his district in Louisiana. Livingston garnered donations like $43,000 from Textron and $38,000 from Lockheed Martin because, according to his PAC director, John Emiling, "We've had a dialogue with them for years." One dialogue partner, Charles Manon from Lockheed Martin, has some curious words of praise for the new Speaker. Manon says simply, "He's been an articulate advocate for our industry." This may sound confusing for those of us who thought Livingston was the House Speaker and not another lobbyist. (AP 11/12/98)

Having Your Cake and Eating It Too

Lawyers who opposed the tobacco industry in the $382 billion lawsuit will not go unrewarded for their efforts. In fact they have taken in over a half billion dollars this year as efforts to cap their fees fell by the wayside. While critics have blasted their greed in claiming outrageous fees while clients they represent are dying of lung cancer, the attorneys themselves have presented a strong defense of the millions earned by their firms. Their reasoning? If the tobacco companies hadn't found their requests reasonable, "they would not have paid them so much." Attorney Richard Scruggs, owner of a brand new $192,000 Bentley (thanks to the settlement), points out the tobacco companies agreed to pay "a like kind and character as the industry pays its own lawyers and consultants." This included expenses like $250,000 for attorney Robert Kerrigan to fly his private jet. Now let's see if we have this straight. First you show that an industry is corrupt. Then you hold up that industry's judgment of what is "reasonable" to defend your new Bentleys. Hmm... maybe I should go back to law school? (WSJ 10/8/98)

Help Wanted

The CIA is hiring once again. In fact they've launched a national recruiting campaign to attract a new generation of spies for what they describe as the "ultimate international career." The head of their recruiting effort, Gill Medeiros, reports the agency "overachieved at downsizing" following the end of the Cold War when its staff dropped from 22,000 to 16,000. Tsk, tsk. Now the CIA is looking for skilled young college graduates who can answer "Yes!" to the question boldly posed in magazine ads: "Do you have what it takes?" Apparently it takes "integrity," "intellect," "common sense," "patriotism" and "courage" to serve in today's CIA. And what will those sterling qualities be used for? Answers CIA Director George Tenet, "No matter how technical it becomes, our job is--and always will be--the same: we are in the spy business, we steal secrets, recruit agents, and we do it better than anybody else." But only those with integrity should do the stealing... (WP 11/27/98)

Two Part Harmony

Every so often we like to report on good news about people learning to cooperate. The Wall Street Journal reports there is a "new harmony" between rock music and Madison Avenue. Rock musicians who used to sneer at "selling out" now see combining their music with commercials as a "great promotional vehicle." An old obscure 1966 Republica song called "Ready to Go" became a break out hit recently when it was dusted off and used for a commercial. Crystal Method's song "Busy Child" made the charts after appearing in a Gap ad, and Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony" took off after making it with Nike. As a result, reports Val Azzoli, co-chair of Time Warner's Atlantic Group, "All those barriers are down now." Almost sounds like the fall of the Berlin Wall. Sure is good having those stuffy old barriers down... isn't it? (WSJ 10/9/98)

OK, we are back after a well deserved sabbatical so quit whining about not getting your Newspeak fixes. You can still subscribe by writing me at wgrytt@blarg.net.