Hoarded at http://www.scn.org/newspeak Celebrating cutting edge advances in the Doublethink of the 90's

Whitewashing the Language

For the past twenty years, Merriam-Webster's collegiate thesaurus has listed a large number of interesting synonyms for the word "homosexual". Included were such common terms as "faggot", "fruit", "uranist", "nancy"(?) and the ever popular "pederast". This "corporate mistake," as the New York Times describes it, will finally be corrected in a new edition soon to be released. To insure a more sensitive approach to gays, Merriam-Webster has resorted to a simple expedient. They simply eliminated "homosexual" from the thesaurus. The demotion of "homosexual" to an un-word (as we say in Newspeak) was defended by marketing director Deborah Burns, citing a sudden discovery that thesauruses, unlike dictionaries, need not be comprehensive (try that as an advertising slogan) and because entries for ethnic and racial minorities had already been removed. Hopefully this move will help remove prejudice against homosexuals because, of course, there won't be any. (NYT 1/20/99)

Criminal Conspiracies Dept.

Somewhere buried deep inside the U.S. Treasury Department sits the Office of Foreign Assets Control. This obscure department finally had its day in the sun when they discovered that members of the peace organization Voices in the Wilderness had violated the embargo against exporting goods to Iraq. (Apparently Voices had issued press releases announcing the fact, little suspecting the eagle-eyed OFAC agents would be on to them.) More specifically, Voices in the Wilderness was fined $120,000 for the "exportation of donated goods, including medical supplies and toys" to Iraq. Apparently these peace activists were unable to comprehend how our policy of banning toys for Iraqi children is bringing Saddam to his knees. Even more seriously, OFAC director R. Richard Newcomb cited the leaders for forming "a conspiracy formed for the purpose of engaging in transactions prohibited by the Regulations." That's "Regulations" with a capital "R". (www.nonviolence.org/vitw, Letter 12/3/98)

Collateral Damage

During Operation Desert Fox, the Associated Press ran a photo of a 2,000 pound laser guided bomb sitting on the deck of the USS Enterprise with a spray painted message on it saying "Here's a Ramadan present from Chad Rickenberg." Defense Department officials immediately caught this breach of etiquette and released an apology. Pentagon spokesman Kenneth Bacon expressed the "distress" of Defense officials over the "thoughtless graffiti" that appeared on "a piece of U.S. ordinance" (always try to get the native jargon correct). Mr. Bacon went on to say that "Religious intolerance is as anathema to Secretary of Defense William S. Cohen and to all Americans who cherish the right to worship freely." Not listed as anathema to us was the dropping of the 2000 pound bomb. We can only hope the recipients of the bomb weren't able to read the graffiti before being hit. (WSJ 1/29/99)

Digging Deeper Holes Dept.

In England, the government's Family Planning Association came up with a very forward looking solution for disabled and house bound citizens who are unable to go out and get... (dramatic pause) sex toys. To overcome this inequity, the FPA has a plan to allow such people to mail-order vibrators and skimpy lingerie directly from the government. This, of course, has produced criticism from those who oppose the state promoting promiscuous lifestyles. In response, an FPA spokeswoman is quoted as saying, "We want to de-stigmatize sex aids for people. We would be very much at the boring end of the market. We're not talking about blow-up dolls or handcuffs." Which leaves open the question of why the disabled should be left in the ghetto of boring sex aides. Sure sounds like discrimination to me. (Reuters 1/27/99)

Special Thanks to Jake Sexton and Jeremy York for spotting quality Newspeak. Send in your own examples or get on the e-mail list by writing to wgrytt@blarg.net