In a marriage made in hell, Time and Starbucks are collaborating on a joint publication to be distributed in Starbucks coffee houses all over the world. It will carry the banal title "Joe," with the stupid subtitle "Life Is Interesting. Discuss." (I'm not making this up.) This led me to wonder what would happen if we hired a brilliant marketing guru for Eat The State! He or she might suggest changing the title of the newspaper to "The State is Shit. Eat!" or something like that. For now, I think we'll save some money and skip all that marketing crap.--Maria Tomchick

Yesterday in the mail I received a fake personal letter from Bill Lord, News Director at KIRO 7 TV here in Seattle. It begins: "I'm KIRO-TV News Director Bill Lord. I am a Puget Sound area native and a graduate of the University of Washington..." Oh, no, I thought, this reads like a campaign speech ... what does this jerk want from me? A donation? You have to understand, I get donation requests from environmental groups, social justice groups, folks who work on poverty issues, progressive magazines, women's groups--you know, people who really do need money--in the mail every day. These mass mailings make up well over two-thirds of the junk mail I recycle every month (credit card solicitations, Bon Marche flyers, and Victoria's Secret catalogs make up the other one-third). But Bill Lord had a very special request for me and the thousands of other folks who received this phony personalized letter: "We need more input from viewers like you ... we would like you to watch one week of our 5pm or 11pm newscast staring Monday, February 22, 1999. Think about what you see and what you would like to see. Then simply fill out the enclosed questionnaire and return it to us. We will put your suggestions to work for us, and in a few months, we will write back to see if you approve of the changes we have made."

Well, I hate to tell you this, Bill, but this is a little late to be asking me. It's Saturday, Feb. 20, and I already have plans for next week--and they sure as hell don't involve watching TV newscasts. But I know a smart guy like you suspected that would be the case, which is why you wrote: "And just to make it worth your while, we have put aside a few prizes for the people who return these questionnaires. There will be ten First Prize winners who will receive new color TV sets, and twenty Second Prize winners who will receive $100.00 Bon Marche gift certificates." Oh joy. Naturally you didn't mention how the winners will be selected--probably by a random drawing, but leaving it up to doubt is not a good idea, Bill. It makes folks think you want them to write only nice things about your news show. So what did the questionnaire ask? (Maybe I can fill it out without having to watch your show at all!)

Let's see: name, address, evening phone, date of birth, sex--pretty easy so far. And there are only seven other questions! "Would you like to see more, about the same, or less of the following items on KIRO 7 Eyewitness News?" Hmmm. There's no category for bogus weather stories or fluffy dog stories. Gee, and no categories for government propaganda, Boeing press releases, or Microsoft self-justifications. I guess I'll just check "Less" for everything; maybe that'll cover it. "Do you think local news in our area is too Seattle-oriented?" That's a loaded question if I've ever seen one. I can watch any number of local newscasts here and not know what city I'm living in.

Then, instead of discussing content, the questionnaire asks: "Is television news too strident?" Excuse me? And: "Should television news seek to reassure viewers?" What? Reassure us that we do or don't live in Seattle? I'm obviously not following the gist of these questions at all ... until I realize that it must be the company's marketing guru who wrote the questionnaire. Consider: "Is there too much crime and violence in television news?" and "Do you have an e-mail address to receive weekly messages about upcoming events and issues on KIRO 7 Eyewitness News?" Look, Bill, there's no way in hell that you or your marketing wonks are gonna get my e-mail address. Period.

But at the very bottom is the question I've been waiting for, and probably the only question they need to ask: "Is there one special thing you would like to see improved or changed on KIRO 7 Eyewitness News?" I'm tempted to write: "you could have printed this questionnaire on a real sheet of paper instead of a postcard, so I'd have room to write," but it won't fit on the two, cramped, three-inch long lines they've allowed for comments. So I try to write "Die, because that means more people will read Eat the State!," but even that won't fit. Dang. But I'm still sending in the postcard. Maybe they'll send me a TV set that I can smash with a sledgehammer. Then we could hold our own drawing here at ETS! and the winner could receive Maria's smashed TV set, courtesy of KIRO-7 Eyewitness News!--M.T.