Hoarded at http://www.scn.org/newspeak Celebrating cutting edge advances in the Doublethink of the '90s Written by Wayne Grytting.

Smile and Be Happy Dept.

The debate over privacy on the Internet finally came to an end thanks to the timely intervention of Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy. At a recent news conference, he introduced his company's newest software, called "Jini," designed to integrate networks of computers and video and audio sources. To do so it assigns unique numbers so each computer can be readily identified just as Intel and all our better software companies are doing. Silencing worries that this may open the door to the total surveillance of computer usage, McNealy presented the knock-down clincher argument that most had overlooked. "You already have zero privacy," he growled, "get over it." His staff is reportedly hard at work on a line of corollaries to this such as "You are already getting ripped off--get over it" and even bringing back the ever popular British slogan from the Boston Tea Party, " You are already overtaxed--get over it." (NYT 3/2/99)

Teach the Children

The oil and gas industry is taking a renewed interest in the education of our young. At last year's meeting of the Independent Petroleum Association of America, members were told by PR consultant Kathryn Ratte they needed to "inoculate" and "assuage the guilt of Americans concerned about global warming or the dangers of petrochemicals" by "developing a more grass roots approach to telling industry's story in the nation's public schools." But how can teachers, prone to be skeptical of corporate provided information, be convinced to carry the torch for oil and gas? Ms. Ratte had two suggestions: First, "The best people to open the door," she says, "are non-profit education organizations that teachers think of as credible" (expect a growth industry here). Second, hold workshops for teachers, she said, "in resorts or campuses in pleasant surroundings." It's a well known fact that information is retained better by sipping Margaritas on Maui Beach than by sitting in a crowded Ramada Inn in Toledo, Ohio. (A Clear View 3/2/99)

Watch Your Web Neighbors

Have you ever wanted to help keep tabs on potentially anti-government groups? Now you may have the chance thanks to an upcoming website to be called Insurgency On-line being developed by Canadian political scientist Michael Dartnell. The Montreal professor has obtained a $45,000 grant from the U.S. Institute of Peace, described as a "non-partisan government-funded Washington-based think-tank" to help "increase international awareness of insurgency on the Internet." With that money he intends to build a permanent archive of anti-government groups like Mexico's Zapiststas, Peru's Shining Path, or the Turkish Kurdish rebels, who all operate openly on the Internet, waging what he describes as "in-your-face" politics. Who knows, this could be the new model of the CIA, one vast website providing, ironically, one of the few remaining channels for citizen involvement... surveillance. (Newsbytes 3/3/98)

New Improved Government

The Clinton Administration may actually have accomplished something in the exciting field of "re-inventing government," according to a study by Paul C. Light of the Brookings Institute. While cutting a record 350,000 civil service jobs, they further "streamlined" government by adding 16 new administrative layers at the top, as many as created by the previous seven administrations combined. As a public service, I am going to clarify a few of these vital job titles. First among the new positions is the Deputy associate deputy secretary, who should not be confused with the Associate deputy assistant secretary, or the Assistant deputy assistant secretary, both of whom report to the Principal deputy assistant secretary and not the Deputy associate assistant secretary, as some mistakenly believe. The post of Associate assistant administrator has been lost, but that role has been ably filled by the Deputy associate deputy administrator, not to be confused with the Associate deputy assistant administrator, or for that matter, the Assistant deputy administrator who, as you will remember, works under the Associate deputy administrator. I hope that's perfectly clear. (WP 3/8/99, http://www.brook.edu)

Special thanks to the eagle eyes of Sarah Patton, Mark Glyde, and Kurt Cockrum. Send in your own examples, harass me, or get on the mailing list by contacting wgrytt@blarg.net.