Hapless Behemoth Microsoft has taken quite a beating in the dark alleys of the courts and conventional discourse these days. Common perception (seemingly including the Judge overseeing the anti-trust case brought against them), that their arguments clash horribly with common standards of decency and language, does not daunt Microsoft's certainty in their inherent rightness. Microsoft insists that they have made powerful legal arguments where it counts. The government's attorneys, on the other hand, have only staged some flashy courtroom theatrics.

I wish Microsoft well. I really, really, truly do. But I sense trouble.

Microsoft is decrying theatrics. Isn't this the same company that hired the Rolling Stones to play at the rollout of some product or another? Any Microsoft supporter knows that they are way in favor of theatrics. It is also quite obvious that they have a less than perfect sense of the same. (Remember their foray into content?)

The main problem is, Microsoft is obviously, for all practical purposes, a monopoly. With clever enough lawyering, they may be able to show that they are not a legal monopoly. (While the law is rooted in common sense, the two do, at least occasionally, diverge). Unfortunately for Microsoft, despite the failings of the Justice Department, Judge Jackson appears to be familiar with both the law and common sense.

Mr. Gates, I don't know if you will read this, but I would like to offer some advice. I get the impression that you might be out of touch. I suggest that the first thing you should do is watch several programs of Judge Judy, Judge Mills Lane and the like. Don't watch the Judge so much, watch the litigants. Thats you. It's not pretty, but that's not the point. It is obvious that what the parties are saying has nothing to do with the truth. The law doesn't care about the truth. The law wants a good story. An artistic delivery doesn't hurt either.

It's time to assess your situation. Your legal defense may be excellent, but you have to develop your content. As it seems like you don't have much actual content to add in the present matter, entertainment value could prove a good substitute.

Not only do you have to argue the case at hand, there are the inevitable appeals to consider, as well the political and public arenas to influence. You are never going to control the world until you control the hearts and minds of every human being alive. Operating systems and web browsers alone aren't going to do that. Until Microsoft Culture is the world's culture, your company is threatened with eventual extinction. You may want to consider a crash program. Or a program that crashes.

Perhaps add Johnnie Cochrane to your trial team: "If the browser fits, you must acquit!" If Cochrane had been on your team from the start, not only would you have easily won the case, you might have forced a breakup of the Federal Government.

You don't have to leave all of the theatrics to the government, or even the courtroom. You have resources. Buy Ally McBeal and run a whole season showing the trial any way you want. Like the episode where Government Attorney Dave Kendall drops his toupee in a urinal then enters the courtroom trailing a long ribbon of toilet paper from his shoe.

Don't forget Slade Gorton. The esteemed Senator's recent accusations of a vast, anti-Microsoft conspiracy engineered by Al Gore is pure gold. Give Slade his own web site. Just his animated head, blurting out precious gems a la Max Headroom. Among the sinister forces aligned with the Justice Department are those damn Indians. This lawsuit is a transparent attempt to secure for the tribes, not only half the salmon, but half the desktop space as well. We must join together to stop this theft of America from its rightful owners.

Bill, your spokespeople and their forums are out there. You just have to find them.