Hoarded at http://www.scn.org/newspeak Celebrating cutting edge advances in the Doublethink of the 90's Written by Wayne Grytting

Upstairs Downstairs Dept.

The booming economy for the upper middle class and the new availability of illegal immigrants has fueled a rebirth of household servants. Over 1.8 million people now work as housekeepers, cooks, nannies, gardeners and chauffeurs in a field expanding at five times the rate of overall job growth. Fortunately, a book has appeared in the nick of time to help employers manage their largely Latino helpers, entitled "Household Spanish: How to Communicate With Your Spanish Employees" by William C. Harvey. The book is chockfull of Spanish phrases essential for good relations, phrases like "bring the dustpan", "please use soap," and "don't pour grease down the garbage disposal." You can learn how to ask prospective helpers whether they have been a bellhop, or a busboy, or a pool cleaner or a dishwasher. Then you can tell them how you are an architect, or a doctor, or a lawyer, etc. Among my favorite phrases are: "How long are you planning to stay in the USA?" and "There's so much to do." The author even provides helpful advice like this: "Commands are practical and easy to use, but don't overuse them" (so true). As an added bonus, the book provides the all-important phrase "You're fired" ("Usta esta despedido"). Invaluable.

Photo Realism in the 90's

When high school senior Daniel Young had his head shaved just before yearbook portraits were to be taken at his school in Madison, Connecticut, his parents had a solution. They turned to photography company T. D. Brown to add nice, curly hair and even change his clothing. Thanks to newly developed image enhancing software, any customer can now enjoy a Stalin-like privilege: rewriting their lives and being assured of always appearing happy in pictures, for as little as $19 to $49. Not only pimples and braces, but entire people can be removed from group photos for a mere $200. But is this spreading practice falsifying reality? Photographer Craig Brown (of the same company) has an answer. "Before they really understand what it is," he says, "they think we are creating false images. We're not at all. What we're doing is giving control back to the customer." Sounds like they perform conceptual enhancements too. (AP 6/24/99)

Police State Lite

Orlando, Florida is planning to follow the example of cities like Baltimore and install surveillance cameras in downtown areas to help fight crime. This of course has spurred a hot debate with the usual ACLU types who point to the possibilities of an Orwellian state. So as a public service, here are two rebuttals by Orlando civic leaders. First, Tim Holcomb, manager of Sir Speedy Printing, argued, "The cops can't be on every corner. This is using technology to our benefit." And having police on every street is, of course, a goal we all share. Then there is Nigel Bassett, manager of Incredible Ink, who displayed his literary pedigree when he stated "The only people who aren't going to like it are people who have something to hide"--a line of thought recycled directly from the pages of 1984. (AP 6/17/99)

Advanced Relativity

Forget who invented the telephone? If you looked it up in most versions of Microsoft's Encarta Encyclopedia you would discover Alexander Graham Bell's name. But if you look it up in the Italian edition of Encarta, you'd learn the inventor was Antonio Meucci. Similarly, the light bulb was "simultaneously" invented by Thomas Edison and Britain's Joseph Swan in the American edition, but Edison disappears in the British version. All of this is part of Microsoft's efforts to adapt its "products" to different markets. For example, Egypt's takeover of the Suez Canal in 1956 moves from being a "decisive" intervention of superpowers (U.S. edition) to a "humiliating reversal" in the British and French editions. And poor Kurdistan disappears entirely in a Middle Eastern edition, as Encarta fits facts to local sensibilities. But as Bill Gates says, "exposing people to world-wide perspectives should be healthy." Except maybe for folks in Kurdistan, who might lack the world market focus. (WSJ 6/25/99)

Special thanks to Bill Meachum and Grant Olson for spotting quality Newspeak. Send in your own cutting edge examples or subscribe or heap praise on the author by e-mailing wgrytt@amouse.net.