Red Cross relief workers and other disaster agency volunteers filed early reports from the scene of the carnage suggesting that millions of Washington state may have died early this week in an unusual case of politician-induced torpor. The deaths came after voters had been trapped for weeks under a sea of pointless campaign rhetoric and lawn signs. Initial reports suggested that some survivors had tapped on the hull of their constructed obliviousness in asurprised and desperate plea for help, but officials are now saying the voters are likely to have died instantly following the impact of this year's Voters Pamphlet.

Officials, many of whom bear responsibility for the deaths, scrambled in the wake of the tragedy to fix blame elsewhere: on people who didn't vote and therefore "had no right to complain," or on voters who got all of their information from television or, worse, the Internet. The immediate cause of death, however, appears unquestionably to have been the infusion of corporate cash which resulted in all major political candidates bearing essentially the same pro-business, anti-human message. As a result, democracy suffocated.

Despite the obvious hazard--analagous to those who insist on smoking tobacco products despite the risk of killing themselves--some people still insist on voting. For those people, little information exists in the mainstream media on what actually separates the candidates. For those poor, suicidal souls, the ones who still think voting makes a difference, we present this year's ETS! primary picks.

The usual caveats: the winner-take-all electoral system is deeply flawed and hopelessly corrupted by money. Voting can count on local issues; for example, an ETS! item one year outing an unknown nasty incumbent, judge Jo Anne Alumbaugh, helped cost her the election--she lost by less than 100 votes. Voting mattered to the hapless folks whose lives would have been ruined if they'd been hauled before her. But voting is no substitute for sustained activism. And, as usual, distrust these opinions like you would any other single biased source; make up your own mind.

U.S. Senate: Proposition: Incumbent Senator Slade Gorton is the Devil Incarnate. He is the most racist solon this side of Strom Thurmond (ask any Native American); he takes awesome amounts of cash from Corporate America and in return does its bidding. And unlike fellow senator Patty Murray, he's smart and effective in getting his way. How best to oust him?

For many Democrats this year, the answer is Maria Cantwell, a former one-term U.S. Representative who used her federal connections to land a cushy job making a fortune at Real Networks. Now she's using that fortune in an attempt to buy a Senate seat. The same Democrats who decried personal fortunes being poured into Senate races when Republicans like Michael Huffington did it are now lining up behind Cantwell because her money is the "best chance" to unseat Gorton.

The problem is, Cantwell comes from the pro-business, Clintonoid, Republicrat wing of the party. In her term in office, she voted for NAFTA; she supports "limited restart" (sort of like "limited pregnancy") of Hanford's FFTF reactor. Her opponent, Deborah Senn, also has problems; her record as Insurance Commissioner is not all it's cracked up to be, but she has a reputation as a populist because of the sheer intransigeance of the parasiticgreedyinsuranceindustry (all one word). Nonetheless, Senn is much better on the issues than Cantwell, and she's also capable of beating Gorton; she's won two statewide elections with over a million votes. Senn.

U.S. House of Representatives, Dist. 7: At last, there's a real alternative to bloated pro-WTO Boeing baby incumbent Jim McDermott. It's ETAN activist and Green Party candidate Joe Szwaya (pronounced SWAY-yuh), and you should go get your lawn sign now. SW--ZU--SIH--uh, JOE.

Governor: What a fucking mess. Nobody matches their party labels. We have, on the side of supposed Democrats, incumbent Gary Locke, whose sins of pro-business conservatism and wishy-washyness are too numerous to mention, and Meta Heller, an Olympia crank who is supposedly a long-time activist but who spent her entire Voters Pamphlet blurb talking about bizarre tax cut schemes. We have a Libertarian, Steve LePage, who wants to support a government boondoggle by building I-605 from Auburn to Everett. And for the Republicans, we have God-fearing, patriotism-loving crank Harold Hochstatter, and the probable November nominee, talk show host and I-200 sponsor John Carlson. Carlson, like Linda Smith and Ellen Craswell before him, is hated by the party establishment because he's too much of a populist wild card. Unfortunately, he's also antithetical to anything a social justice advocate would ever want.

This is essentially a protest vote; Locke and Carlson will be on the November ballot, so the best strategy is to say, "Fuck Gary Locke." Anybody else

Lieutenant Governor: Years ago, a Seattle man who legally changed his name to Absolutely Nobody ran on the platform of abolishing this useless office. It's currently inhabited by Brad Owen, a Democrat who uses the office as a platform for pro-War on Drugs propaganda, including doing his damnedest to undermine the medical marijuana initiative. The best of the candidates is Libertarian Ruth Bennett, who explicitly opposes Owen's agenda; better, write in Absolutely Nobody. He died a few years ago, but it won't even be noticed.

Secretary of State: This office basically conducts elections and serves as an ambassador to foreign business interests seeking to locate here. The "progressive" choice is Charles Rolland, a Democratic party hack supported by Larry Gossett and also the only African-American running for statewide office. Unfortunately, Rolland also led the Democrats into fiscal disaster as state party chairman. The most qualified is Sam Reed, a progressive Republican (yes, it still exists, barely) from Olympia who has served five terms there as a county auditor. And, with that information, here's my suggestion: Skip it. It's a worthless office.

State Treasurer: Democratic incumbent Mike Murphy has overseen the state's transition to having a budget surplus. What is or isn't done with that money is the legislature's problem, but Murphy has done a passable job. Murphy.

State Auditor: Dem. incumbent Brian Sonntag hasn't been as aggressive as he could be, particularly in finding out which corporations are shirking their fair share. But none of his opponents would do that, either. Sonntag.

Attorney General: Dem. incumbent Christine Gregoire has made this office a mess, costing taxpayers millions because of a missed deadline filing an appeal of an excessive jury award against the state in what was only the recent of a series of debacles. She's essentially unopposed, save for a series of loonies like Stan Lippman (vaccines are bad), Richard Pope (another perpetual losing candidate), Luanne Coachman (TM will save everything), and Libertarian Richard Shepard (what Libertarian would work to imprison people on behalf of the state?). Skip it.

Commissioner of Public Lands: Incumbent Jennifer Belcher is moving on, and it's a shame; all of her would-be successors want to cut more timber. Highest-profile is former governor Mike Lowry, a good progressive who unfortunately is still ducking accusations of sexual harassment and is hoping voters have forgotten. Let's hope they haven't. His main Democratic opponent is former state legislator Georgia Gardner, a moderate Democrat, but at least she doesn't feel up female state troopers. That we know of. On the Republican side, Patrick Parrish (nice name) wants to abolish the office. Parrish.

Superintendent of Public Instruction: Terry Bergeson is the incumbent, who uses the phrase "our kids" in the Voters Pamphlet. This alone disqualifies her. Then there's David Blomstrom, an ETS! reader and Seattle school district critic who couldn't get past the School Board primary last year; Neil Helgeland, who, in his Voters Pamphlet statement, uses a lot of Bold and italics, the first signs of a nut case; Arthur Hu ("I've been nationally published!"), and Donald Crawford (free market!). Blomstrom.

Insurance Commissioner: In its infinite, bribe-induced wisdom, the state legislature last year eliminated this office's function of regulating insurance industry rates. Now every single one of Deborah Senn's successors-- including John Conniff, a Democrat who has worked in Senn's office for years- -wants to sit down with the insurance industry and "dialogue." You don't negoatiate with mass murderers, damn it. Don't vote for any of them.

State Senator; In the 34th District (West Seattle), Dow Constantine seeks to move up from his mediocre career as a state rep. Among his Democratic opponents, Jack Sommerville wants to get tough on crime and Jake Jacobovitch wants to fight the third runway at SeaTac. Jacobovitch.

State Representative: Among Seattle's essentially unopposed incumbent Democrats this year are Eileen Cody (who coddled up to the insurance industry and is one of the folks most responsible for our current mess); Velma Veloria (a good one); Helen Sommers (opposed by Magic Black-Ferguson, a cable access progressive/loony who somehow chaired the Seattle NOW for a while and is now running with the Natural Law Party); Ed Murray (who's been wonderful as Olympia's only openly gay legislator); Frank Chopp (who's been ineffective as Democratic Speaker of the House) and nonentities Helen Sommers, Erik Poulson, Mary Lou Dickerson, Sharon Tomiko Santos, Kip Tokuda, Jim McIntire, and Phyllis Kenney. Career officeholders, all of them. No incumbent should be able to skate freely to reelection. In the 34th, where Constantine is running for Senate, Joe McDermott is the only Democrat running and is chair of the District Democrats. In other words, it's all in the family. Skip it.

State Supreme Court, Pos. 2: State Supreme Court is one of those important slots where nobody knows who they're voting for. In Pos. 2, a favorite is Terrence Carroll, who spent years absolving the Seattle Police Department of misconduct in his role as allegedly independent auditor. Among the others, the most amusing is Barrie Althoff, who actually brags that he helped bring Costco stores to Seattle and Spokane. (No, greed did that, Barrie.) Probably the best of the rest is Forks judge Susan Owens. The worst: Yakima prosecutor Jeffrey Sullivan. Owens.

State Supreme Court, Pos. 7: Incumbent Bobbe Bridge is opposed by a zealot. Scott Schwieger, ex-CIA, deputy prosecutor, is creepy. Bridge

State Supreme Court, Pos. 8: Gerry Alexander is unopposed. Skip it.

State Supreme Court, Pos. 9: Jim Foley ran an insurgent but eventually unsuccessful campaign for Supreme Court two years ago, defeating a highly touted Old Boy Network crony in the primary but losing in the general. This time, populist Foley is the best of a crowded field. The worst is C. Kenneth Grosse, backed by the insurance industry. Foley.

King County Superior Court Judge, Pos. 2: Cheryl Carey is better than Holly Holman, who brags that she's endorsed by Supreme Court hack Faith Ireland. Carey.

King County Superior Court Judge, Pos. 3: In her Seattle Weekly endorsement interview, Julie Spector characterized this race as "Mike versus the dyke." Imagine! A judge with a sense of humor! Spector.

King County Superior Court Judge, Pos. 11: Catherine Shaffer brags of her law enforcement endorsements. Robert Bryan is a prosecutor; we don't need more of those deciding people's fates. Richard Jones was endorsed by not only law enforcement, but his own family! (Retch.) Instead, try Mike Finkle.

King County Superior Court Judge, Pos. 15: Both candidates brag of law enforcement endorsements. Maybe I'm being cranky, but if the cops like a judge, I don't. Skip it.

King County Superior Court Judge, Pos. 17: Incumbent Donald Haley is opposed by perma-candidate and former prosecuting attorney Frederick Canavor. Haley.

King County Superior Court Judge, Pos. 21: Greg Canova is a fascist. He's opposed by nonentity Raymond Gessel and an incompetent public defender, Joe Lynch. Alas, Canova must be stopped. Lynch.

King County Superior Court Judge, Pos. 25: Incumbent Jim Doerty is less of an asshole than challenger Linda Thompson. Doerty.

King County Superior Court Judge, Pos. 26: By a fluke, Jeanette Burrage was elected a while back as a property rights fanatic. Since then, she's piled up a reputation for being thoroughly incompetent. Her challenger and our best hope is Laura Middaugh. Middaugh has a reputation as an arrogant, high-handed judge, but at least she presumably knows what she's doing. Middaugh.

King County Superior Court Judge, Pos. 30: (Amazing how many judges we need in order to process the American Gulag, isn't it?) Seattle liberal Doug North somehow lost to Jeanette Burrage last time. This time, hopefully, he'll lose to Paris Kimberley Kallas.

King County Superior Court Judge, Pos. 51: Bill Budigan--this won't appear in your Voters Pamphlet--is a slumlord in University Place. Kris Jensen was characterized by a colleague as "dumb as a post." That leaves John Erlick.

King County Proposition No. 1: This would provide general obligation bonds for $193.1 million in improvements and expansion for Harborview Medical Center. The owner of a $200,000 home would pay $17 a year for the next 20 years to pay off these bonds.

Bonds are a tricky form of taxation; they allow governments to spend money now while regressively soaking taxpayers for interest payments later. Which is why lazy politicians who don't want to spend budget money of their own love them. But in the case of Harborview, there should be plenty of other places to get the money. Harborview is the Class I trauma center for a four- state area; it's disingenuous to ask King County to foot the bill for its expansion. Since many of the trauma care facilities are in place to meet federal (FEMA) requirements, where is the federal help in paying for the expansion? Where is Olympia? And since one of the rationales for expansion is that Harborview is currently operating at virtual capacity, why not tax admissions? Private medical centers like Swedish and Virginia Mason--no strangers to bond-free expansion--have impressive rosters of wealthy private donors. How about Harborview?

Moreover, who will staff the 50 new beds? Harborview can't find the nursing and support personnel to handle the patient load it has now; it's chronically short-staffed. This is the wrong proposal at the wrong time. No.

King County Proposition No. 2: If the Harborview levy is cynical, King County Proposition No. 2 is flat-out dishonest. The property tax levy to fund "automated fingerprint identification system services" began in 1985 as a "temporary" property tax hike. As with many "temporary" government intrusions, this one has stuck around, as subsequent generations of politicians have found it easier to renew the tax every five years than to find a place for it in the regular operating budget, which is how it was supposed to originally be funded.

Once again, Ron Sims and the King County Council are going to the well, figuring that fighting crime is popular enough to create budget space for other pork instead. It will cost property owners $12.85 in 2001--$54 million in all by the end of the period--for a system that should be part of regular law enforcement budgets if it's as useful as its technophile proponents claim.

It's not. One of the suppposed benefits of this system was that it quickly identified anonymous WTO protesters last year when many refused to give their legal names. Gee. Just what we need, a quick, accurate way for the state to figure out the names of the people whose constitutional rights are being violated. Vote no..