If the monorail and Sound Transit spectacles have taught us anything, it is that keeping the public out of public works is of prime importance.

Without keys to the public pork meatlockers, the citizenry can't bring anything to the table except a good idea, and that's not worth spit.

The mayor's answer to the monorail, taxi service for those families who already have two cars, is a textbook example of a credible transit scheme put forth by a properly credentialed official. The only problem it is proposed to solve is the one it invented. That problem being the crises of getting a two car family from point A to point B. With two cars in the driveway who's going to take a taxi? It's a perfect, cost free way to both muddle the debate and belittle the voters, in one shot.

A conceivably useful plan, such as giving taxi vouchers to those people whose cars were impounded due to unpaid traffic violations or whose licenses are suspended, would immediately and vociferously be attacked. That's where people's initiatives go wrong: they try to address real problems, which are naturally complicated. The savvy politician invents a solution first, then finds a compliant problem to attach it to. Will the people ever learn?

In the spirit of moving transit solutions forward while I wait for the petroleum to run out, I have developed a few proposals of my own. Eschewing the monorail model, these solutions are envisioned in the spirit of the insider deal, with the traditional pot of gold for the few.

The mayor's taxi scheme could be immediately expanded beyond the double autoed. I suggest door to door helicopter service for those owning six cars or more, including at least one vintage automobile. And for those with only one vehicle, which happens to be an SUV, free towing service, anywhere you want to go. Just sit tight and gab on your cell phone while the express towtruck hauls your metal carcass to soccer practice and back.

While those overfull metro busses chug along in special transit lanes, Port of Seattle officials are stuck in traffic somewhere in the other nine lanes, watching the global economy roar past on the shoulder. Those people have influence to flout, 18 hole junkets to get in, wetlands to bury. They are selflessly advancing their own interests for the benefit of our whole region and they're being slowed down just when they need to speed up. Transit and carpool lanes can be converted into Port of Seattle lanes, for the exclusive use of port commissioners, millionaire politicians, corporate titans and professional athletes. As the real economy of our region, they ought to be the transit priority. All those busses and their outmoded workers are just dead weight.

A variation would be the Tim Eyman reversible lane, where the State Patrol clears a lane in whatever direction Mr. Eyman happens to be travelling as long as he promises to leave the rest of us the fuck alone.

Declare a State of Transit Emergency. It's so rare it's badly reported news when some protestors block the streets, inconveniencing commuters. Yet cars blockade our thoroughfares on a daily basis. Instead of having the excuse of being zealously misinformed on some complex issue, most of these people are simply driving to the mall to buy the Eminem cd. With the declaration of a Rush Hour Curfew, riot cops could once again dress up like Darth Vader and secure the streets in a restrained and professional manner. A "no-excursion zone" could be declared: only those on their way to and from work, a professional sporting event, or an official gala would be allowed to drive; others would be pepper sprayed in their cars. If necessary the Governor could order the National Guard to bulldoze you right off the roadways.

A special emergency clause the legislature would probably be happy to ratify might be motorcade credits for corporate sponsors. Members and major donors to the Mayor's Pet Projects Host Committee would be shuttled around in limousines with police escorts, roaring through traffic snarls on their way to the official gala.

The Destination Train combines the benefits of public transit with private investment. It has something for everybody, except those with no money. Instead of riding the train to the mall, the Destination Train is a mall. Instead of commuting to the office, put the office on a train and it commutes you. This concept can be expanded into the commuting condo. "Carrying you gently into the city by day, and at night, returns you to the upscale rusticity of a refurbished siding yard in Kent. Modern on the go living doesn't get any better than this."

NIMBY International Airport: Forget paving over some puny wetlands to build the third runway. We could have the world's first floating runway anchored in the south end of Lake Washington. Amphibious shuttle service and the Sound Transit Light Rail Barge would complete the connection with Seatac..

It's not the proposal that is important. The main thing is keeping the public out of the way until the ink is dry on the contracts and the champagne is chilling in buckets of cold cash