England and Microsoft announced yesterday that Microsoft has purchased a controlling interest in "the entire canon of British law, including the English common law, and all the precedents, proclamations, petitions and other appurtenances thereof." A spokesman for England said that after the "Cool Britannia," flop, it had planned to revision itself as "Britain.Com," but those plans were scrapped after the bottom fell out of the e-commerce craze. This deal with Microsoft is seen as a godsend to Britain's debilitating image problem. Barristers and Solicitors from England to Australia however, were shocked to discover that from now on, they would be writing "legal code," for Microsoft on a contract basis. Britain assured the public that the deal, "contains adequate provisions for our citizens, who are now called subjects to the licensing agreement to obtain due process from Microsoft's customer service representatives."

The US Justice Department has yet to formally respond to Microsoft's assertion that it's proprietary rights over English common law and precedent give it a substantial stake in US law as well. "Everything before July 4, 1776, which includes the underlying code of modern US law, is clearly British created intellectual property," according to a threatening letter dispatched from the law firm, Subter, Fuge and Haftrooth, which represents Microsoft on matters relating to paragraph 23 of the English Contract. "What happened subsequent to 1776 was plainly an unauthorized and forceful misappropriation of this intellectual property, with the intent of depriving Britain of the rightful fruits of its invention, and which was vehemently objected to by Britain at the time. Microsoft, as purchasher, is the rightful heir to King George, as legitimate copyright holder." --Troy Skeels

Paul Schell kicked off his campaign for reelection as Seattle's befuddled mayor with loud crowing over the success of his pilot transit program, which gives a monthly stipend to two car families as an incentive to leave one car home and take a taxi. The mayor said it is "a powerful incentive for those, who because of class issues, can't ride the bus but want to get involved in the mass transit fad." Besides renewing the existing program, the mayor has expanded it into a new demographic. Cruising with the Mayor, is the zippy moniker for the public transit program aimed at those who would otherwise take a lane clogging, gas guzzling limousine to their destination. "They can just call me instead," said a leather jacketed Schell, slipping on his driving gloves, "They can leave their limo or Lexus in the climate controlled garage, and I'll drive over and pick them up." The mayor doesn't seem concerned that this new program will detract from his official duties. "I've got two cell phones and a pager, I'm wired to the internet, and I've got a thermos full of coffee to keep me awake. I'm ready to roll. Besides, the Police Department says they've got the unruly Seattle crowds, composed primarily of out of towners, under control at the moment."

The Mayor seems energized by this opportunity to contribute, "hands on," to the transit situation. He says he's "looking forward to getting out there and serving my constituents." He pauses for a moment, as if reflecting. "Besides, I've found just driving around aimlessly gives me time to think about a lot of things, including my accomplishments as mayor." --TS

It's been exhaustivly reported that Boeing is moving it's headquarters from Seattle to either Denver, Chicago or Dallas. A memo leaked to the marginal press by a Boeing insider details management's real intentions. Boeing is really moving its headquarters to Eugene, Oregon. The memo cites the WTO conference and its aftermath for inspiring the move. "After the WTO fiasco, we were upset as a company. We had done a lot for the international capitalist community and felt frustrated and misunderstood. But after having time to reflect, we realized that the protestors had a point after all." According to the memo, the "entrenched corporate culture," of Boeing prevents the "radical new direction," sought by management. Citing a need to "connect with the people who build and who fly in our airplanes," management plans to restructure itself "as a consensus based, universally empowering, profit-sharing collective, dedicated to a new world built on mutual respect and the sanctity of life." But first, the memo admits, "We've got some things to learn, and Eugene, with it's consciousness raising lifestyle and industrious young anarcho-primitivists, is the place we are going to learn it." The company apparently plans to unveil a new slogan to accompany the move, "We're building airplanes to fly your wildest imagination." --Thomas Friedman