The editorialists at Seattle's dailies were all atwitter over recommendations, issued in late June by a coalition of Seattle business community groups, which purportedly give a thoughtful to-do list to Mayor Greg Nickels of the steps they expect -- er, would like -- him to take to give our city what the euphemists are now calling "a more competitive business climate." It's a favorite theme, dear to the heart of people like Frank Blethen. That's why, despite Seattle's long tradition of corporate welfare, when almost any sort of plaintive whine on the topic from some high- ranking corporate dude (especially from Boeing) crops up, it gets page one treatment.

This time was no different. Here, for example, is a snippet of the June 27, 2002 Times editorial on the recommendations: "Out of a long, thoughtful list, it's hard to find any single item that cannot be incorporated into a larger agenda for urban prosperity....It is a realistic document and deserves substantive responses from the mayor and City Council."

Career politicians like Nickels know perfectly well that when groups like Greater Seattle Chamber of Commerce, Downtown Seattle Association and the Neighborhood Business Council get together, they expect more than the usual form letter thanking citizens for their thoughtful input. They expect results, preferably by 4 PM that day.

But every recommendation? The folks at the Times apparently didn't read the whole thing. And legislators (including our city councilpeople) are often notorious for not taking the time to read entire documents, including legislation they about to vote into law. So, as a public service, I've read through the whole thing, and am passing on to you some of the highlights news accounts somehow skipped. Like the stuff they put in the two-paragraph news release for detail-impaired TV anchors, all the rest of these recommendations are also likely to become law in the next few days, also. You cannot now say you weren't warned.

* Cracking down on "chronic street drunks" in "high-alcohol areas" like Pioneer Square, with a new program, operated in coordination with the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS), to pick up people who appear to be inebriated and immediately deport them to whichever country they look like they or their ancestors might have once come from. Native American drunks will be sent to India.

* Providing support for development of new small businesses in Seattle's neighborhoods by imposing a mandatory $2,000 a month minimum monthly rental fee on all single or multiple occupancy rental units located on arterial streets, with a year's advance deposit. This will encourage either the right kind of people to move into the neighborhood, or the units to be vacated or torn down so that they can be replaced by parking garages, small businesses, or mixed-use condos with ground floor retail. The malls will come later. Bonus: higher density means fewer long commutes, which helps gridlock problems and is good for the environment.

* Abolish requirements that businesses provide a minimum number of on-site or street parking spaces. It costs too much, and this will encourage people to live within walking distance (see above). Those that can't afford it should move to Kent, or Tacoma, or somewhere, anywhere but here. Get out.

* Cut down on burdensome red tape. Seattle is a world class city, and other world class cities -- Calcutta, for example, and Addis Ababa -- have hardly any business regulations at all. And, as several city council members have noted, Singapore has much to teach us about becoming a thriving business-oriented democracy. Save the red tape for protesters.

* Encourage potential shoppers to feel safe. Mall management companies have known for years that a comfortable, anesthetized shopping environment -- with perhaps some soft music, and a tinkling fountain audible in the distance -- does far more to boost sales than the threatening, unpredictable hustle and bustle of traditional city streets. To this end, all parks and sidewalks will be privatized. More radical suggestions, such as turning downtown into a medium security prison, were tabled.

* Create toll roads to cut down on traffic congestion. Roads entering Seattle will require use of debit cards to enter. Sophisticated technology will ensure that these cards not only pay for the highway fees, but have an adequate balance to ensure that their entry into our city is worth Seattle business's time. Since poorer people will have been forced out by the rents, this will keep out the types that shop at Target or Costco -- i.e., the riff- raff. Protesters and street punks, too.

* Develop programs to support the arts by giving special debit cards to cover bus fare, tolls, and a waiver of the usual asset requirements so that musicians and artists may come in from Tacoma, where they'll all live.

* Deed all of South Lake Union to Paul Allen. Already mostly implemented.