The CIA analysts responsible for authenticating Osama Bin Laden's voice on recent tapes have completed an analysis of President Bush's recorded messages.

They report that careful review of Bush's speech and syntax reveals that instead of saying he would "liberate Iraq," the President has actually been saying, "lie, and berate Iraq."

When queried on the report at a recent press briefing, Press Secretary Ari Fleischer responded by saying, "The President says what he means and means what he says, and unless you want to join Helen Thomas in a cell in Guantanamo you'll watch what you say." Fleischer also announced the creation of a special task force within the Homeland Security Department charged with replacing the word "French," in the USA's official lexicon. After successfully renaming French Fries as "Freedom Fries," the task force has renamed "French Doors," as "The President's Tax Cut Doors." French Poodles will of course be known as "Tony Blairs." The task force is reportedly preparing to announce that the activity formerly known as French Kissing, will now be known as "the Rumsfeld Maneuver." Highlighting tensions within the administration, Attorney General John Ashcroft has condemned French Kissing as an "unnatural act."

Responding to the widespread looting that has gripped Iraq since the overthrow of the statue of Saddam Hussein, Secretary Rumsfeld himself defends the looting as a natural stage in the evolution of a US style "market democracy." He promises that as soon as electricity is restored to the country it will be deregulated. While admitting that the immediate post-statue Iraq has been somewhat messy he promises that, "Halliburton and other US corporations are working night and day to bring properly regulated looting to Iraq as we speak."

Upon hearing the mention of "looting," the IMF and World Bank announced that they will soon begin assisting in Iraq's reconstruction. Among the high priorities for rebuilding are the hundreds of empty spaces that once held statues of Saddam Hussein. The Bush Administration had reportedly been considering erecting statues of George Bush giving the "thumbs up," sign in place of the fallen Iraqi dictator, but are reconsidering after realizing that should CNN broadcast Iraqis toppling any one of those statues, precedent would require Bush to surrender his office and flee.

CIA analysts studying video of the toppled statue of Hussein have announced that the monument was actually a likeness of one of Saddam's many body doubles and not a replica of the toppled dictator at all. Colin Powell, referencing a book report written by sixth grader Arnold Biggles, and displaying satellite photos of Cleveland, has told the UN Security Council that the real statue is being trucked around Iraq in a secret "mobile lab," disguised as an ice cream truck.

Donald Rumsfeld meanwhile insists that the real statue is being harbored by the regime of Bashar Assad in Syria. He also insists that failure to locate weapons of mass destruction in Iraq will only serve as incontrovertible proof that they are now being hidden in Syria. Additionally, Rumsfeld has condemned the Assad regime for harboring fugitive Iraqi officials, the missing link and Amelia Earhart.

Flush with his military success, President Bush himself has declared that not only is he Commander in Chief, but will also be known as "World Heavyweight Boxing Champion," and the "Emperor of Ice Cream." He has also reportedly instructed White House lawyers to write legislation granting him the power to issue Fatwahs--not in his capacity as president but as a special privilege of being George Bush.

When queried abut the fate of Iraq's oil reserves, now in US hands, Bush responded "There's oil in Iraq? Who knew?" But he promised that Iraq's wealth would be used for the benefit of the Iraqi people. In a related development, Exxon, Mobil, and Texaco have been granted Iraqi citizenship, with full voting rights. The oil giants are expected to benefit from the American-style democracy now being set up in Iraq, which will include the use of poll taxes and literacy tests, in English, to weed out Iraqis who might not vote the right way.