President Bush needs our help.

Now that the slogan "stay the course" has been officially retired-to the point where they're saying it was never uttered in the first place-the White House lacks a pithy slogan that adequately describes the subtlety, the nuance, the dynamism of Bush's Iraq policy.

The country is adrift, not knowing what talking point to parrot. That's where you, Patriotic American Citizen (or not), come in. Can you encapsulate Dubya's approach to Iraq in only a few catchy words?

Here are a few suggestions to get you going:

"When Iraqis Get Shot, We'll Shoot Up." All that heroin being produced from Afghanistan's record poppy crop is already headed for our shores, a triumph of the Global War on Terror that really deserves more publicity. The CIA is green with envy, or hard currency, or something.

"Cunning and Rutting." Captures the cleverness of our military approach, plus the sexual innuendos essential to all good marketing.

"Bombing Them Back to the Stone Age." Proven Islamo-effective: it worked on Musharraf!

"Hastening Armageddon." Helps recapture that all-important evangelical Christian base, just in time for the midterms. Just think: when the rapture comes, they'll no longer be able to vote...

"Flambeing the Course." Alcohol and white phosphorus: what occupying army needs more?

"Let Them All Kill Each Other Off." Appeals to knee-jerk hatred of Muslims, plus suggests that we could get all the oil after all once they're done. Bonus: it's fairly close to current policy.

"It's Clinton's Fault!" It didn't make any sense in 2004, either, but it's proven effective.

"Protecting the Sanctity of Marriage." Ditto. Downside: Would be used by an administration full of closeted hypocrites.

"Saddam: Now More Than Ever!" Why install a murderous new dictator when you already have one available and on death row? Convicted, elected, whatever.

"We're Giving 110 Percent." Hey, it works for sports coaches when their teams are losing.

"An Army of One." Already being used by the Pentagon, plus it describes Donald Rumsfeld's ideal approach to securing Iraq.

"What the Fuck?" Already being used by the vast majority of Americans.

You get the idea. Send your own ideas: The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW, Washington DC 20500-0001. And send us a copy, too (or e-mail it to editorial@eatthestate.org), and we'll run the best ones next issue. --G.P.