(Taken from 'Fool the State', April 1 2027)

This week marks a truly magnanimous date in the history of bold US foreign policy initiatives, namely, the first anniversary of the US invasion and occupation of the Republic of Iceland. To solemnly and stupidly observe the occasion, the usual gang of loony lefties will surely be out in force on April 1, protesting in front of the White House, calling for the impeachment of Presidents Jenna and Barbara Bush and shouting "No Blood for Ice!" ad infinitum ad nauseam. But not us, the jesting crew of the shamelessly centrist newspaper you're now wisely reading, namely, Fool the State! On that joyous day, we'll be celebrating the liberation of Iceland with glasses and voices raised and jester's caps a-jangling!

Faithful FTS! readers know of course that we've supported Jenna and Babs every step of the way, along with all the previous Democratic US presidents of the past twenty years. How could we do otherwise? After all, ever since George W. Bush ordered a nuclear first strike on the Republican Party's national headquarters back in 2008 in order to quell the intra-party mutiny then raging against his presidency--thereby single-handedly destroying the GOP and handing the White House to Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton by yet another executive fiat--the United States has been a one-party nation, free at last--thank God Almighty!--from the uncouth messiness of political multiplicity. Centrists that we are, we're lovin' it!

Sure, with no opposition party, functioning or otherwise, to keep them in check, Democratic presidents, from Hillary to Mike McGavick all the way up to Jenna and Babs today, have bombed the living crap out of every nation on Earth that dared to deny the USA access to its natural resources. But hey, at least the Republicans are out of power now! But still, of course, the loony lefties, ever the wet blankets of American democracy, whine and pine about "peace" and "justice" and "the rights of the peoples of the world to political self-determination"! To which we, the FTS! jesting crew, reply: Get a job, hippies! If you don't appreciate America's freedoms, go move to a country with no freedoms, or any functioning government, at all--like Iraq!

Of all the recent feral follies of the Loony Left, here's the one that really takes the crackpot cake for the FTS! jesting crew: namely, the notion that the US invaded Iceland in order to exploit their ice for the benefit of Bechtel, CocaStarPepsiColaBucksCo, and other global corporations who are currently making a killing, so to speak, privatizing the world's rapidly dwindling supply of fresh water. Sure, Vice President Britney Spears spent several years as CEO of Bechtel before the Supreme Court installed her and the Bush twins in the White House in 2024. And yes, Bechtel has been melting down large quantities of Iceland's ice mass for rare potable water to sell at $100 a gallon in the US. So what? What did the hippies expect? Ever since the world ran out of oil in 2019, water has become the natural resource of choice for the governments of the world to lock horns over. Makes perfect sense to us. But leave it to the Loony Left to call our brave and bold mission in Iceland a "corporate conspiracy." Everyone else knows that, just like Jenna and Babs told us in their 2026 State of the Union address, the people of Iceland were crying out to be liberated from the oppression of their tyrannical madwoman socialist "president," the one-and-only Bjork.

Okay, we'll admit to having once had some brief personal doubts about the righteousness of our mission in Iceland. After all, before the Democrats finally saved us from the Republicans back in 2008, we, the FTS! jesting crew, were--we admit it--quite a silly bunch of antiwar, anti-corporate, smelly hippie radicals, just like the folks we now gleefully mock in these pages every other week. (We even used to call ourselves Eat the State!--oh, the silly romantic follies of naive youth!) So, for example, when, during the lead-up to the invasion of Iceland in early 2026, one of us happened to spot a sign in a window of one of the dorms at the University of Nike here in Seattle proclaiming, "FUCK YOU HIPPIES--THE ICE IS OURS!," he did experience a slight pang of ideological self-doubt. And then there were the nationwide incidents in the weeks following the invasion of pale-skinned, blond-haired and blue-eyed Americans getting the crap beat out of them by rednecks for "looking like terrorists." We were all quite saddened by such incidents--but not so much out of a naive belief in non-violence, but rather due to the fact that it all made our side look, well, kinda stupid.

(Come to think of it, when President Clinton--or "44," as many then took to calling her--in her very first act upon taking office in January 2009 launched simultaneous invasions of Cuba, Venezuela and Ecuador, the lingering lefties among the FTS! jesting crew became quite publicly discombobulated. And then there was ol' Hill's "secret" carpet-nuking of New Zealand in 2010, and her memorable justification of that act with the proclamation "We don't want another 9/11"--that sure got the hippies harping and shrieking in the streets!)