Pre-emptive War theory is sound. It takes competent leaders to put theory into action, however (that is, if you want to see beneficent results).

For example, if that dumbfuck Rumsfeld had listened to General Shinseki and sent in more troops from the outset, Iraq would have been pacified very quickly. Instead, we're bogged down in yet another quagmire of the Republicans' making.

Now, clearly, by Pre-emptive War theory, Iran must be dealt with before it is able to pose a threat to our homeland. That's what the stupid little bitches whining about the fucking National "Intelligence" Estimate, and arguing that Iran's nuclear programme is still two years away from being able to produce an A-bomb, (even though their nuke programme is already known to be hidden underground, where the inspectors can't get to it), don't want to acknowledge: by the time Iran gets the A-bomb, it's already too fucking late!

Obviously.

But, as history shows, if we leave it to the Republicans to deal with the threat posed by the Iranian Regime, we'll be well and truly fucked. Read that last sentence again, because this simple fact is the most blatantly self-evident truth in the world. Which only proves that 2008 Election Day is the most important decision, not just in the world, but in the history of the World.

Obviously.

And that is why, from this day forward, it is the official editorial position of Tweak The State! newspaper that Ralph Nader must be assassinated.

Believe us, we say this with a very heavy heart. Nobody likes killing any less than we do. Ralph made some good accomplishments in his day, and deep down, he is a good man. Nevertheless, he poses a threat. You see, this is an occasion on which Pre-emptive War theory isn't applicable only in international affairs, but can be invoked at the national level as well. Nader must be eliminated before he has a chance to pose a threat to the Democrats' winning of the Electoral College. (We don't say that the Electoral College is a perfect system; but for now, it's the only one we've got!)

A draft of this analysis was posted on Tweak The State!'s blog last week, and one commenter asked: why not just beat the shit out of him if he so much as shows up to try to watch the debates in person? As I responded to him on our comments board: "We ALREADY TRIED THAT, you nitwit asshole. That's EXACTLY what we did in 2000, and look where it got us." I don't really have anything that I can add to that.

Another commenter asked, wouldn't it be better to pass a Constitutional Amendment outlawing all third-party candidacies? That's actually not a bad idea, and a compromise we could certainly get behind. EXCEPT for one problem: The fucking Republicans want Nader in the race, so he can fuck us over again, just like he did in 2000. Unfortunately, they still have enough votes to block this Amendment; so even trying it would be very counterproductive.

Still another commenter "astutely" noted that Nader didn't actually cost Gore the elections, because Gore was winning in the recount. Well, that's terrific. But, guess what, numbnuts? In case you didn't notice, we've got fucking Roberts and Alito on the court now, and if Nader's in the mix, they'll just pull the same crap they pulled before.

Obviously.

Some might ask, before calling for his assassination, why not wait and see whether he's actually able to get on the ballot in any states? We sincerely, sincerely wish that that were possible. Problem being, if he's allowed to live, then he still has the possibility of getting onto at least one ballot. Which, again applying Pre-emptive War theory at the national, rather than the international level, is unacceptable. The stakes are simply far too high.

We don't care whether it's the Russian Mob, or a lone-nut gunman, or just put him on the same aeroplane that they put Wellstone on. But we cannot and must not rest until Nader is buried six feet under.

Obviously.